Soup Season!

Yay! I love the end of summer when harvests come in, produce is at its peak of freshness and as the weather starts to cool (even just a bit) soup season is here! When it's soup AND sweater weather I will be giddy--

In the meantime, a light summer soup is in order.

I made this one with zucchini and green onion. I used half and half cream and 1% milk for the base. Just a bit of nutmeg and salt for seasoning and it was perfect

Oh yeah...Soup's on!

That gut instinct or premonition that just won't go away

Call it a prompting, your life force speaking to you, Gods whispers, the spirit, instinct...when you just know something. It's almost easier when that something is for example a faith in God, or that my body need yoga to help me find balance. These are intangible tangibles. There is an immediate pay off. I feel good when I pray. I feel good when I meditate and work my body. 

Harder for me is when I just start to get this niggle in my gut that something needs to change. I'm not living the best life for myself right now and something needs to change. 

I've had that niggle for months. I have searched for answers. I thought well if Jilly doesn't get in to school I will be homeschooling her and not working so I would have to quit my job. And that felt good. A few days later Jilly got in to the school just up the road from my work. Great! But my niggle wasn't gone, it was gnawing at me. I looked into going to school for a couple of classes. I can do my exact old program...only 10 credits more than what I had before because of the time I took off...way better than a whole new major! 

I signed up for 2 classes. And waited.

Niggle. Gnaw.

I cut back my hours at work for the summer to only one day a week. Maybe just taking a break would be good.

I need to quit my job niggle gnaw.

Jillys school is perfect with this job.

I found the school because of the job, the school is perfect for Jilly.

What will I do? 

Have energy to take care of me, my house, my garden, my family--not use it all up trying to make sure I don't split and that I work hard and get everything done at work and shut everything else out. When mom was dying I needed that. Now I need to not shut things down I need to open up and just be. I can do that if I stop forcing myself to not split. I have to let work go then.  We looked at money. We will save money with not eating out and grabbing something quick on the way home like we do way too often.

If Jilly is sick I'm here.

I can volunteer at her school, do my classes, get the house under control, play with the dogs, tend to my garden, cook and bake, exercise, therapy paint. All things I love but don't have energy for. I think as time goes on that energy will grow and grow. 

Working as a good stepping stool for me but now I need to stand up tall on my own. I'm ready and it feels right.

I realized that the only reason I wasn't quitting was because I cared so much for my bosses.  That's not a good reason against everything else to stay on. As much as I hate to let them down its important to me to take care of me and my family. Right now I can't do that and work.

I gave notice. A month and a half. If they find someone before that great, but my last day will be the last Tuesday in August.

I'm nervous about going to work tomorrow because it will be awkward. And I'm close with the bosses so they will probably ask more about why. It's time. I know that any answer I will give them will seem unsatisfactory. I only pray that they will have the same kind of peace that I do. 

But even if they don't that's not my job to take care of them. 

I need to do this. I am doing this for me, for Jilly and for Korey. For all of us. I don't know all the reasons yet, but I'm at peace about my decision. I wish I didn't have to go back ever...but that's unkind. And I do love this job and the amazing people I work for and with. I wish to not go back because its awkward. It's always easier to not say goodbye to patients etc. but it is what it is. A few more weeks of once a week and one Friday. End of August and I'm done.

It's not how I pictured life...quitting when Jilly got in to school, but it's my path and I will choose to embrace it with joy.

The dog ate my desserts

I quest for perfection. When my husband and I first got married I spent three days baking various brownies (his favorite dessert) 3-4 kinds a day having him sample--and then taking the rest to work so,they weren't in the house and yes, I Do like being an awesome wife and all the guys from his shop knowing it, I found the 10/10 recipe. That was in 2003. I spent 4 years to get the perfect southern biscuit fluffy, light and tall...I didn't stop till I found a 10. Since 2003 I have been questing for the perfect cinnamon roll for Christmas morning..las we usually go with Rhodes, my quest has not been complete. Until two days ago. My daughter suggested we make cinnamon rolls. I remembered having pinned this recipe. So we printed it out and as I put 8 cups of flour in the mixer I started realizing that this was going to DOUBLE in size...yeah it did. But man, I did it, this was the 10. I used chai tea in the maple glaze instead do coffee since we aren't coffee drinkers. Divine. And two large 13x9 pans and a round disposable tin later...we had all concluded that this was the dough. And the glaze made it beyond awesome. One pan was split between my family and my Brother-inl-Law who may or may not have shared with his family. The tin sent out as a gift, and the other pan left to be divided up to take to the neighbors. I got ready to do this and couldn't find the pan. It wasn't on the counter. Weird. I turn and there around the corner of the kitchen island is my pan. On the floor. Empty. I knew at once it was Daylin. How he manages to get pans from the back of the counter, (and luckily for him not break this one as its my favorite stone pan) is,beyond me, he isn't a large dog. Medium. The first dessert snatch was a cherry pie...another story. He ate all 18 cinnamon rolls and licked the pan clean. I just looked at the pan in disbelief and then he walked into the room. He looked at me. I looked at him. (Ok I glowered) and he did that tail tuck droopy eared I know I'm in trouble thing, but in his eyes I saw this "it was SO worth it" look. I kicked him out of the house for a while because I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. The neighbors won't get a plate do ooey gooey awesome cinnamon rolls. But given the cleanliness of that pan, I'd say its unanimous in the family including the four legged ones...we've got our Christmas morning cinnamon rolls, and neighbor gifts for Christmas...that is unless Daylin gets to them first.

Day 3

100% on plan day three with medifast meal replacements. I wanted to stop after work at Starbucks. I asked myself why? Was I hungry? No. Then what? Often I'm unprepared and work longer than lunch so I am very hungry when I get off work. I had my mr's with me today though. So if I was hungry I could grab one of those. Not hungry. Why then? It had become a transitional habit. A way to let go of work and transition over to being a mom again. I don't know if most people need that. With my parts I think it's healthy to acknowledge I'm about to use different skill sets and parts for the next part of my day. It was enlightening. I went to the bank today so,had something before going to get Jilly. I can't go to the bank every day :) so I will need to brainstorm with Diane tomorrow on some quick things I can do after work before picking up Jilly.
I am really praying she gets in to quest. I think she needs more friends, and it would give me a couple of hours after work before picking her up. Also I feel guilty right now like I'm burdening Cheryl and Josh. I need to look into some other options for the summer. Maybe hire someone to watch her 2 days a week? Then she could be at Cheryl's one day and Sarah's one day. Gotta look into some options. I wish Aleshia wanted more hours at work and would work one day all day. That would be perfect. Or even if we both worked one full day and only worked 3 days a week. That would be great. Maybe every other week we could do something like that even. I'm feeling guilty right now that my parenting is mostly on Cheryl and Josh. I worry they are burned out but they say its not. I'm a better mom when I work. I have to get outside of my head. Its good for me especially days like today when I just don't want to do anything. I worked and then Jilly and I got plants for two of our pots outside. The garden is starting to come together nice and fun this year. I think just doing $50 a paycheck will keep me reigned in :) but still get stuff done out in the garden.
I got distracted there...I crashed around 4 until 8. I know I have no energy on day 3 so not too surprised. I should get most back tomorrow and then have great energy by day 5 because I will be in fat burn. I haven't been tempted to go off plan which is good. I just tell myself one moment at a time. I will do today. Stay present in today. I didn't walk today but did do my core training to get my diastis recti fixed (muscles in my stomach are separated) I don't know how long it will be before they heal up but I'm glad to know what the issue is and that I can be working on it.
My black work pants fit again today hallelujah! I was getting frustrated my pants were getting tight again. Now I can get back to fitting in them and then dropping them :)
One day at a time though.
I got in my water and my food. Nothing off plan.
Taking the lactaid once a day seems to help even though I'm off milk...something in the mrs I guess. I add a little yogurt with live cultures about 2 tbs a day to one of my meals. I think my guts are healing :)
Normal poop today woohoo! At least this afternoon. So that's a good thing.
I'm proud of myself. 72 hours :) if I can do 72 what's 24 more?

Master Plan

Well I'm parasite free. And today went back on the meal replacements through Take Shape For Life hereafter TSFL. Day one 100% on plan.
We grilled i did lean turkey kielbasa. In lettuce wraps and when Korey and Jilly did s'mores i grilled sweet peppers with a tiny bit of feta goat cheese in them. Delicious! I don't think i will go back to s'mores. This was way better! Jilly melted chocolate in a grilled sweet pepper it smelt fabulous but i didn't cheat! I think that would be a win over a s'more any day though!
Liquid bowels though (yuck!) but i will puck up some lactaid pills and get on the probiotic. Im supposed to be doing live probiotics to heal my guts still. I did have a Tbsp of live greek yogurt with my brownie (yup thats on plan!) and my stomach seems to have settled.
Now master plan...having rules I made that I follow. I got my water in today, ate on plan, and I am journaling here about today. I walked my 7 min. And did sone yoga to help my butt release its knots!
Ive set my first goal to lose 5 pounds. And when i do, these awesome shoes are mine :). Very exciting! Then i can set my next goal :)
Today is a success. Ive started collecting inspiring images for my inspiration wall.
Im in bed long before 11 just not asleep yet. But thats ok I'm4 getting up at 7:30 anyway :).
Got to plan a perfect outfit for those awesome shoes!

Spoiler--some of this content is GROSS

I just finished a parasite cleanse. So gross. We used a zapper--and I know they are controversial but it was worth a shot. Then I did a detox cleanse and coffee enema for 2 days till everything was coming out clear. Um, yeah I know I mentioned it but GROSS.
Here's the thing though--liver flukes, some flat fuzzy dotted looking things, a couple of worms and a bunch of eggs came out. I have pictures I took for the doctor but I will spare you that--
My energy level is just UP. and amazingly there is this awful cold going around and guess who has it. yup--me. And Korey. And Jillybean. Her asthma makes hers worse. But she seems to be getting through hers today. (can I say yay!) we take her in to the allergist tomorrow. They will give us an allergy medication she can take that won't interfere with the allergy testing we need done. And then we take her in again next week. What time did Korey make the appointments for? 7 am. um...ok. I know for him that is sleeping in but we roll out of bed between 7:30 and 8.  So for the miss and I this is going to be a bit rough. AND I have dog grooming appointments for the dogs. And I have to work even though thursday is usually our day off because we were close monday so the boss and his wife could go to a funeral. So far I'm only scheduled for an hour. but it is the first hour of the day. So I have to be at work by 9. Drop the dogs off by 8:30 so I can be at work by 9. So Korey has to come to the appointment as well to take miss over to my sisters.
Tomorrow after Korey is off work we head up to Idaho for Jay's wedding. Which will be fun. We are staying at the Marriot up there it was just built last year--has an awesome pool. I've been excited about that but now wondering with these colds if we are just going to be sleeping in our awesome hotel when we are not doing wedding stuffs.
Lame.
So I'm using the on gaurd, muscle testing for my D3 and zinc to make sure I am doing all I can to give my body the support it needs to get through this as quick as possible. Took a footbath today after work and had my adjustment.
I moved much easier than normal.
Its good.
My foot bath water had no grey in it like it has for a while.
My cells feel open and healthy and happy--(minus this throbbing head and light sore throat) but for having a cold, I have a lot of energy.
I'm really excited for what this can mean for my physical body. And I got a treadmill. It was delivered today. We won't get it set up until we get home this weekend--and still have to decide just where we are going to put it for sure--but I think we are doing the family room. More likely to use it if I can just put on a show and do the workout.  I've been getting in breakfast every morning for a while now. Which is good. Until this week. I did the cleanse and it threw me off. since I wasn't eating. just drinking apple juice and water.
I'm back on food now though, and tomorrow I start using the fat incinerator from Doc. Flowers. It is supposed to get my metabolism going and just help me drop weight. The other gal at work has been doing really good with it. So hopefully--I've felt like this is the next right step for me right now.
So my goal for the rest of the week is to keep eating breakfast and getting in my water. take my manna and to get in the incinerator.  Then once we have the treadmill up, I start on a workout schedule next week.
What about everything else? Well I had to cancel therapy tomorrow due to the work schedule change.
I'm ok. So its not a critical freak out time with it. I am going to read the book Diane gave me before I see her again on the 18. I've been putting it off but I think I need to now.
I will know if its too much once I get started on it.
A sad bonus...Cutlers with their awesome sugar cookies moved. They are no longer just up the street from work. So I won't be dropping in for a cookie a couple times a week.  I'm not sure why they are moving up on Highway 193 I would think they would get less traffic through there--its out of the way. of course not many food places in the area so maybe it will work out for them. Its a sad bonus for me. I will only drive that way on therapy days--and I will have to make a choice. Cutlers--or Starbucks. :)
Cookie or chai.
Once a week or once every other week won't be a big deal.
I ordered some bento boxes and lunch packs that I can pack lunches in. I can't wait until 2:30 to eat. I just can't. I need a snack during my shift and lunch by 1. I can eat as I wrap up my paper work.
I want to get to where I am eating 6 small meals again. i do well on that schedule. I just need to be planning so they can be healthy.
And I want to learn to make cool bento boxes so that when Jilly gets into school she will have healthy meals that make her smile and are fun--not boring sandwiches etc. I want her to be excited to have lunch, and to show it off because that means she eats them. and I don't mind being an awesome mom in that regard and having the kids jealous of her cool lunches--and other moms jealous or thinking, how does she do that? Well she can because she only has 1 kid. (and I will not deny that there will be much truth to that)
Well I downed 32 more ounces of water. I am going to try to get some sleep again. Since I have to be up in 6 hours (seriously what dr offices open at 7?????) I am really hoping I crash this time.

Get skinny? Not my focus...and screw the sugar cookie. Getting happy and Healthy for ME

When my mom was close to dying one day she told me "Don't wait to get cancer to get skinny" I took her to heart. I told her I wouldn't. I knew she meant she wanted me to live my healthiest best life.
I realized today part of what is holding me back from "getting skinny" is actually the words she did use...and all the times as a kid when I was NOT fat or overweight when I was called chubby or pleasantly plump...or that after I was put on steroids for my allergies is when I just got bigger...never mind that I was 6 when I was put on the steroids...I went through puberty at 11 well started and that was when My cheeks filled out.  And I did start getting some curves.  I wasn't a stick anymore. I look at pictures now from those "chubby" days--and seriously want to go back and slap anyone who would call that girl chubby or fat or pleasantly plump.  And then I did start feeling like I needed to hide food and then I did binge eat. And starve myself and hide food.  I started to have such a negative body image--and then Vernal when I was watched and assaulted.  I then started to hide myself. The summer after 8th grade I grew 4 inches I think it was.  I lost 30 pounds. I ran a lot and I didn't really eat.  You would think I started getting healthy. I ran yeah--but I was not eating well. I skipped meals. Mary's friend had a talk with me and I knew I wasn't eating really healthy I decided never to be bulimic and it scared me from working out too much--but I didn't start eating healthy.  Heather pushed me.  She packed lunches for me, I still thought I was so fat. I wore baggy clothes. Early 90s style--and hide myself.  I thought I was fat. At 5'4" and 123.  I gained the freshman 15...I was 147 when I left on my mission. I came back 5'6" and 117 (way too small) I was smaller than a size 6. I had ulcers but on my mission I ate healthy and walked all the time.
I did eat. I had a small treat once a week. Lots of veggies legumes healthy rice...kimchi with its probiotics. I came home and worked out but didn't keep up my eating.
I got to a healthy weight...then I got about 10 pounds over my sweet spot. With my depression I got really frustrated.  And lost it.  I used sugar cookies to help me face a day. To drive out there and get out of the house.  One thing. It helped--I got out I would go do that.  But I also used sugar to make happiness come. It's artificial it was more the getting out that helped me but it is what it is.
Point being I have only had a healthy relationship with food on my mission.  I didn't have time not to eat healthy or to eat unhealthy.  I just worked.
Sometimes we waited too long to eat and I would be shaky.
So maybe not 100% that I took care of myself.  I didn't have time not to.
Well I'm not ok with the voices in my head telling me get skinny or I'm fat or plump or chubby.
Ok.
I don't need a sugar cookie to be happy. Or a chai.
I don't need it.
I want to be healthy, not skinny. Skinny is a side affect. But my mom got skinny unhealthy skinny--cancer is not healthy and neither is dying.
I still understand what she was trying to say.
I don't care mom. I'm not doing this because you made a comment on your death bed. I'm not doing it for you. I don't need you to be proud of me.
I don't want to do it for Korey or Jilly. I want to do this because I want it. For me.
It's me. I'm going to learn how to eat healthy not because I'm too busy not to but because I care about myself and how I feel and how I look and how I feel about myself.
This is for me.

Authentic self...

I don't feel like I can live authentically. I have to be on guard and careful. Make sure part transitions are smooth an people don't notice when its not quite me. Holding all that in is stressful causes me more anxiety and this sense of shame thats not fair. If my diagnosis makes others uncomfortable shouldn't that be their problem and not mine? I was recently confronted about how openI am with my depression and anxiety and that it bothers people. I just felt sad that they couldn't look at it with curiosity. If you don't understand it that's ok...and its not contagious. You won't catch it from me. I live an overall positive upbeat life. Not because I choose to rise above this. Its because its under control the depression and anxiety. My medication works! Thank God! And my innate nature is positive. Im a glass has plenty kind of gal. Im not a victim although I have been victimized in the past. Im not a survivor although obviously I survived. Im not even a thriver. I just am. I can't pretend my mom was any less of a complex being--I lived hiding the monster inside of her. Bought in to saving the family image. I just can't do that because I need to give myself permission to heal. I fragmented to cope. I was ingeniously creative and found my own special way to survive. I don't hate my mom even when I say she was a crazy bitch! I hate what she went through and put me through--you have to feel pretty bad to be as loving and tender hearted as she was and be capable of the cruelty she bestowed on her children. Its complicated. I can't pretend it isn't. I think it would shock so many people to know how she could be. Sweet loving June? Never. But she was at times so scary and cruel. Call me a name any name. I don't care. My own mom called me worse and said and did such awful things that four eyes and goody two shoes...didn't even nick my armor. I learned to split so that what my mom said what my dad said and didnt say just didnt matter so why would anyone elses words even come close to being important?
I want to give myself permission to not hide my DID and screw the people who dont understand or think Im crazy instead of realizing what a gift DID is to me and those around me.
I dont repeat my moms patterns of abuse. Or my dads pattern of neglect. My mental "illness" is what gives me strength to address life as it comes at me.
Its an eventful ride to be sure! But I'm not crazy even if an old lady with a southern accent is the one doing the processing and talking in a situation or a punk add kid defiantly stands up to authority. Its who I am. All of it. I've only scratched upon its surface here but I just want to be me. No matter who I am in that moment its still me. I don't want to let worry hold me back anymore if you can't handle the friendship once you know? Buh-bye. I'm not going to apologize for telling the truth from the beauty of all that my mom was to the terror she reigned our home with. From the 3 yr old girl who is scared to the wisdom of the gentry at my gates. Im all here for very good reasons. I ingeniously found a way to live. Im 35 years old, and I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Yes sometimes there is chatter in my head. No Im not schizophrenic or Sybil. And yes Sybil is the first thing I thought of when I heard the diagnosis. Im tired now and need to sleep but I will be living out loud this year. I will be living Authentically. Whether you like it or not.