That gut instinct or premonition that just won't go away

Call it a prompting, your life force speaking to you, Gods whispers, the spirit, instinct...when you just know something. It's almost easier when that something is for example a faith in God, or that my body need yoga to help me find balance. These are intangible tangibles. There is an immediate pay off. I feel good when I pray. I feel good when I meditate and work my body. 

Harder for me is when I just start to get this niggle in my gut that something needs to change. I'm not living the best life for myself right now and something needs to change. 

I've had that niggle for months. I have searched for answers. I thought well if Jilly doesn't get in to school I will be homeschooling her and not working so I would have to quit my job. And that felt good. A few days later Jilly got in to the school just up the road from my work. Great! But my niggle wasn't gone, it was gnawing at me. I looked into going to school for a couple of classes. I can do my exact old program...only 10 credits more than what I had before because of the time I took off...way better than a whole new major! 

I signed up for 2 classes. And waited.

Niggle. Gnaw.

I cut back my hours at work for the summer to only one day a week. Maybe just taking a break would be good.

I need to quit my job niggle gnaw.

Jillys school is perfect with this job.

I found the school because of the job, the school is perfect for Jilly.

What will I do? 

Have energy to take care of me, my house, my garden, my family--not use it all up trying to make sure I don't split and that I work hard and get everything done at work and shut everything else out. When mom was dying I needed that. Now I need to not shut things down I need to open up and just be. I can do that if I stop forcing myself to not split. I have to let work go then.  We looked at money. We will save money with not eating out and grabbing something quick on the way home like we do way too often.

If Jilly is sick I'm here.

I can volunteer at her school, do my classes, get the house under control, play with the dogs, tend to my garden, cook and bake, exercise, therapy paint. All things I love but don't have energy for. I think as time goes on that energy will grow and grow. 

Working as a good stepping stool for me but now I need to stand up tall on my own. I'm ready and it feels right.

I realized that the only reason I wasn't quitting was because I cared so much for my bosses.  That's not a good reason against everything else to stay on. As much as I hate to let them down its important to me to take care of me and my family. Right now I can't do that and work.

I gave notice. A month and a half. If they find someone before that great, but my last day will be the last Tuesday in August.

I'm nervous about going to work tomorrow because it will be awkward. And I'm close with the bosses so they will probably ask more about why. It's time. I know that any answer I will give them will seem unsatisfactory. I only pray that they will have the same kind of peace that I do. 

But even if they don't that's not my job to take care of them. 

I need to do this. I am doing this for me, for Jilly and for Korey. For all of us. I don't know all the reasons yet, but I'm at peace about my decision. I wish I didn't have to go back ever...but that's unkind. And I do love this job and the amazing people I work for and with. I wish to not go back because its awkward. It's always easier to not say goodbye to patients etc. but it is what it is. A few more weeks of once a week and one Friday. End of August and I'm done.

It's not how I pictured life...quitting when Jilly got in to school, but it's my path and I will choose to embrace it with joy.