When my mom was close to dying one day she told me "Don't wait to get cancer to get skinny" I took her to heart. I told her I wouldn't. I knew she meant she wanted me to live my healthiest best life.
I realized today part of what is holding me back from "getting skinny" is actually the words she did use...and all the times as a kid when I was NOT fat or overweight when I was called chubby or pleasantly plump...or that after I was put on steroids for my allergies is when I just got bigger...never mind that I was 6 when I was put on the steroids...I went through puberty at 11 well started and that was when My cheeks filled out. And I did start getting some curves. I wasn't a stick anymore. I look at pictures now from those "chubby" days--and seriously want to go back and slap anyone who would call that girl chubby or fat or pleasantly plump. And then I did start feeling like I needed to hide food and then I did binge eat. And starve myself and hide food. I started to have such a negative body image--and then Vernal when I was watched and assaulted. I then started to hide myself. The summer after 8th grade I grew 4 inches I think it was. I lost 30 pounds. I ran a lot and I didn't really eat. You would think I started getting healthy. I ran yeah--but I was not eating well. I skipped meals. Mary's friend had a talk with me and I knew I wasn't eating really healthy I decided never to be bulimic and it scared me from working out too much--but I didn't start eating healthy. Heather pushed me. She packed lunches for me, I still thought I was so fat. I wore baggy clothes. Early 90s style--and hide myself. I thought I was fat. At 5'4" and 123. I gained the freshman 15...I was 147 when I left on my mission. I came back 5'6" and 117 (way too small) I was smaller than a size 6. I had ulcers but on my mission I ate healthy and walked all the time.
I did eat. I had a small treat once a week. Lots of veggies legumes healthy rice...kimchi with its probiotics. I came home and worked out but didn't keep up my eating.
I got to a healthy weight...then I got about 10 pounds over my sweet spot. With my depression I got really frustrated. And lost it. I used sugar cookies to help me face a day. To drive out there and get out of the house. One thing. It helped--I got out I would go do that. But I also used sugar to make happiness come. It's artificial it was more the getting out that helped me but it is what it is.
Point being I have only had a healthy relationship with food on my mission. I didn't have time not to eat healthy or to eat unhealthy. I just worked.
Sometimes we waited too long to eat and I would be shaky.
So maybe not 100% that I took care of myself. I didn't have time not to.
Well I'm not ok with the voices in my head telling me get skinny or I'm fat or plump or chubby.
Ok.
I don't need a sugar cookie to be happy. Or a chai.
I don't need it.
I want to be healthy, not skinny. Skinny is a side affect. But my mom got skinny unhealthy skinny--cancer is not healthy and neither is dying.
I still understand what she was trying to say.
I don't care mom. I'm not doing this because you made a comment on your death bed. I'm not doing it for you. I don't need you to be proud of me.
I don't want to do it for Korey or Jilly. I want to do this because I want it. For me.
It's me. I'm going to learn how to eat healthy not because I'm too busy not to but because I care about myself and how I feel and how I look and how I feel about myself.
This is for me.
