Soup Season!

Yay! I love the end of summer when harvests come in, produce is at its peak of freshness and as the weather starts to cool (even just a bit) soup season is here! When it's soup AND sweater weather I will be giddy--

In the meantime, a light summer soup is in order.

I made this one with zucchini and green onion. I used half and half cream and 1% milk for the base. Just a bit of nutmeg and salt for seasoning and it was perfect

Oh yeah...Soup's on!

That gut instinct or premonition that just won't go away

Call it a prompting, your life force speaking to you, Gods whispers, the spirit, instinct...when you just know something. It's almost easier when that something is for example a faith in God, or that my body need yoga to help me find balance. These are intangible tangibles. There is an immediate pay off. I feel good when I pray. I feel good when I meditate and work my body. 

Harder for me is when I just start to get this niggle in my gut that something needs to change. I'm not living the best life for myself right now and something needs to change. 

I've had that niggle for months. I have searched for answers. I thought well if Jilly doesn't get in to school I will be homeschooling her and not working so I would have to quit my job. And that felt good. A few days later Jilly got in to the school just up the road from my work. Great! But my niggle wasn't gone, it was gnawing at me. I looked into going to school for a couple of classes. I can do my exact old program...only 10 credits more than what I had before because of the time I took off...way better than a whole new major! 

I signed up for 2 classes. And waited.

Niggle. Gnaw.

I cut back my hours at work for the summer to only one day a week. Maybe just taking a break would be good.

I need to quit my job niggle gnaw.

Jillys school is perfect with this job.

I found the school because of the job, the school is perfect for Jilly.

What will I do? 

Have energy to take care of me, my house, my garden, my family--not use it all up trying to make sure I don't split and that I work hard and get everything done at work and shut everything else out. When mom was dying I needed that. Now I need to not shut things down I need to open up and just be. I can do that if I stop forcing myself to not split. I have to let work go then.  We looked at money. We will save money with not eating out and grabbing something quick on the way home like we do way too often.

If Jilly is sick I'm here.

I can volunteer at her school, do my classes, get the house under control, play with the dogs, tend to my garden, cook and bake, exercise, therapy paint. All things I love but don't have energy for. I think as time goes on that energy will grow and grow. 

Working as a good stepping stool for me but now I need to stand up tall on my own. I'm ready and it feels right.

I realized that the only reason I wasn't quitting was because I cared so much for my bosses.  That's not a good reason against everything else to stay on. As much as I hate to let them down its important to me to take care of me and my family. Right now I can't do that and work.

I gave notice. A month and a half. If they find someone before that great, but my last day will be the last Tuesday in August.

I'm nervous about going to work tomorrow because it will be awkward. And I'm close with the bosses so they will probably ask more about why. It's time. I know that any answer I will give them will seem unsatisfactory. I only pray that they will have the same kind of peace that I do. 

But even if they don't that's not my job to take care of them. 

I need to do this. I am doing this for me, for Jilly and for Korey. For all of us. I don't know all the reasons yet, but I'm at peace about my decision. I wish I didn't have to go back ever...but that's unkind. And I do love this job and the amazing people I work for and with. I wish to not go back because its awkward. It's always easier to not say goodbye to patients etc. but it is what it is. A few more weeks of once a week and one Friday. End of August and I'm done.

It's not how I pictured life...quitting when Jilly got in to school, but it's my path and I will choose to embrace it with joy.

The dog ate my desserts

I quest for perfection. When my husband and I first got married I spent three days baking various brownies (his favorite dessert) 3-4 kinds a day having him sample--and then taking the rest to work so,they weren't in the house and yes, I Do like being an awesome wife and all the guys from his shop knowing it, I found the 10/10 recipe. That was in 2003. I spent 4 years to get the perfect southern biscuit fluffy, light and tall...I didn't stop till I found a 10. Since 2003 I have been questing for the perfect cinnamon roll for Christmas morning..las we usually go with Rhodes, my quest has not been complete. Until two days ago. My daughter suggested we make cinnamon rolls. I remembered having pinned this recipe. So we printed it out and as I put 8 cups of flour in the mixer I started realizing that this was going to DOUBLE in size...yeah it did. But man, I did it, this was the 10. I used chai tea in the maple glaze instead do coffee since we aren't coffee drinkers. Divine. And two large 13x9 pans and a round disposable tin later...we had all concluded that this was the dough. And the glaze made it beyond awesome. One pan was split between my family and my Brother-inl-Law who may or may not have shared with his family. The tin sent out as a gift, and the other pan left to be divided up to take to the neighbors. I got ready to do this and couldn't find the pan. It wasn't on the counter. Weird. I turn and there around the corner of the kitchen island is my pan. On the floor. Empty. I knew at once it was Daylin. How he manages to get pans from the back of the counter, (and luckily for him not break this one as its my favorite stone pan) is,beyond me, he isn't a large dog. Medium. The first dessert snatch was a cherry pie...another story. He ate all 18 cinnamon rolls and licked the pan clean. I just looked at the pan in disbelief and then he walked into the room. He looked at me. I looked at him. (Ok I glowered) and he did that tail tuck droopy eared I know I'm in trouble thing, but in his eyes I saw this "it was SO worth it" look. I kicked him out of the house for a while because I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. The neighbors won't get a plate do ooey gooey awesome cinnamon rolls. But given the cleanliness of that pan, I'd say its unanimous in the family including the four legged ones...we've got our Christmas morning cinnamon rolls, and neighbor gifts for Christmas...that is unless Daylin gets to them first.

Day 3

100% on plan day three with medifast meal replacements. I wanted to stop after work at Starbucks. I asked myself why? Was I hungry? No. Then what? Often I'm unprepared and work longer than lunch so I am very hungry when I get off work. I had my mr's with me today though. So if I was hungry I could grab one of those. Not hungry. Why then? It had become a transitional habit. A way to let go of work and transition over to being a mom again. I don't know if most people need that. With my parts I think it's healthy to acknowledge I'm about to use different skill sets and parts for the next part of my day. It was enlightening. I went to the bank today so,had something before going to get Jilly. I can't go to the bank every day :) so I will need to brainstorm with Diane tomorrow on some quick things I can do after work before picking up Jilly.
I am really praying she gets in to quest. I think she needs more friends, and it would give me a couple of hours after work before picking her up. Also I feel guilty right now like I'm burdening Cheryl and Josh. I need to look into some other options for the summer. Maybe hire someone to watch her 2 days a week? Then she could be at Cheryl's one day and Sarah's one day. Gotta look into some options. I wish Aleshia wanted more hours at work and would work one day all day. That would be perfect. Or even if we both worked one full day and only worked 3 days a week. That would be great. Maybe every other week we could do something like that even. I'm feeling guilty right now that my parenting is mostly on Cheryl and Josh. I worry they are burned out but they say its not. I'm a better mom when I work. I have to get outside of my head. Its good for me especially days like today when I just don't want to do anything. I worked and then Jilly and I got plants for two of our pots outside. The garden is starting to come together nice and fun this year. I think just doing $50 a paycheck will keep me reigned in :) but still get stuff done out in the garden.
I got distracted there...I crashed around 4 until 8. I know I have no energy on day 3 so not too surprised. I should get most back tomorrow and then have great energy by day 5 because I will be in fat burn. I haven't been tempted to go off plan which is good. I just tell myself one moment at a time. I will do today. Stay present in today. I didn't walk today but did do my core training to get my diastis recti fixed (muscles in my stomach are separated) I don't know how long it will be before they heal up but I'm glad to know what the issue is and that I can be working on it.
My black work pants fit again today hallelujah! I was getting frustrated my pants were getting tight again. Now I can get back to fitting in them and then dropping them :)
One day at a time though.
I got in my water and my food. Nothing off plan.
Taking the lactaid once a day seems to help even though I'm off milk...something in the mrs I guess. I add a little yogurt with live cultures about 2 tbs a day to one of my meals. I think my guts are healing :)
Normal poop today woohoo! At least this afternoon. So that's a good thing.
I'm proud of myself. 72 hours :) if I can do 72 what's 24 more?