It seems for me the journey of finding my healthiest best self is not a forward projectile. I tend to wander. Get fed up with myself and just let go of routines I have worked hard for along the way. I want it to be easy. It should be easy, its just food, not rocket science. The math of it, that is easy. Its all the emotional everything that gets in the way. and it isn't even the same emotional stuff from day to day! that too would be easy.
I'll have a day where I don't care and I don't want to find out why I don't care. So there. Its childish. I find myself emotionally exhausted at this juncture in my life. I truly believe that I am on the cusp of a transformation that right now I've worked hard to build up a place to begin my chrysalis. then as I work inward on all the things I need to care for with myself the outer transformation will happen. I am working towards loving myself. loving this body that I have been given. Loving my DID the gift it has been for me and embracing that it changes, that it morphs through its own path of growth. I begin to feel familiar with my DID. I understand the why's of so many things and then it mutates. Parts are finished trusting me now to care for the skills that they have carried. I find myself truly exhausted. and Diane tells me it is to be expected, and its a good thing. So I focus on trying to remain positive...or rather to find positivity to hold on to.
Releasing the way I think it "should" be to the joy of what it is.
I'm doing this right now with Jilly and homeschooling her. I know it is the best path for her right now and her education. I plan, I prepare but I turn it over to the Lord to guide me to the best answers, the best ways to help her grow and learn. I find myself feeling I should be stressed about the situation but there is a calm and I feel that it will just come as needed. and I ask myself why is my eduation of the care and love of my body any different? why do I have to have all the answers right now? why can I not surrender to the process and turn it over to the Lord to help me focus with my growth and progress in this too?
I can. Its scary, but I can. I pray daily right now for the knowledge of the best direction for myself. I pray for the guidance to know how to best love myself and to turn this over to God. I'm not sure what the answers will be in coming but they are coming--and I release my self-doubt and my worry and I turn it over to God. I know I will have to fight to do this again tomorrow, and even several times during any given day. It is a new something I am not used to doing. it will take time. But I believe that my answers are here within my grasp for with God all things are truly possible
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Nanoo, Nanoo...the Bod Pod
My favorite part of today? Well I have been weighing myself at home but not wanting to get my hopes up incase my scale is just way off~ well...its not! I'm at 248!!! So that means 4 pounds gone. Wohoo! I know that weight can go up and down in the process and as the dietician I met with today said its going to take a lot of time to retrain my brain.
So the Bod Pod. I am 49.9% fat. 50.1% fat free mass. I'm half way healthy!! haha. or as Jilly says, "you're a little bit skinny"
My meeting with the dietician was really good. She asked me to make 3 goals. One food oriented, one physically oriented and one emotionally oriented.
Goal #1: Food oriented: Eat a Healthy Breakfast Every Morning. She gave me some great ideas and shared some healthy recipes too. I'll share some as I try them out.
Goal #2: Physically oriented: get in 15 minutes of exercise 5-7 days this week. I picked 15 minutes because I know that I can do anything for 15 minutes. So its a good place to start.
Goal #3: Emotionally oriented: When I can't sleep at night and my anxiety kicks in I am out of bed, the house is quiet, I'm alone and I need something to do to bring the anxiety down--well as in my last post you may have already guessed, I turn to snacks. I put on a movie or the tv and I munch. So this goal is to make a list of 5-10 things I can do INSTEAD of turning to the food. It isn't what I want anyway, and it will take a lot of practice and working on it to get me going on this, but I like the idea and I plan to work on this list and figure out some things to do. I paint some nights, and I used to crochet. So that is 2...just 3-8 more to go!
Well that is where I am right now today. I am thankful I know my numbers. I am thankful I've been given a clean bill of health to move forward with this journey. Today my head and heart have been in the right place. I don't judge myself for how I got here. It is what it is. I embrace myself where I am at and am willing to lovingly move forward. I know that I need to find ways to make the learning fun. Getting an idea of what I am eating and what my family is eating, and seeing the areas where there is healthy foods we are NOT eating has been important to me so I came up with a fun plan.This is a tray I found. I taped pictures on the bottom of each segment. There is one for Proteins, dairy, fruits, vegetables, grains, water and exercise. We each have our own color of beads. I have the tan ones, Korey's are the black ones and Jilly has pink and purple. Today its obvious that we didn't get nearly enough fruits and vegetables. So its something we challenge each other to work on for tomorrow. Its a fun tracker. its not counting calories, its going back to the basics. Like the Dietician said in my class last Thursday, "It's not rocket science, Its food."
I have class again on Thursday, and next Tuesday I follow up with the dietician to see how my goals went. Its good to know I am going to have that accountability. I will weigh in on my visits, not because I am anal about the scale but because I think it is a good tool to help me gauge how I am doing.
So off I go to drink more water and head to bed early. I want to get up early enough that I can make breakfast. I got to today and I really enjoyed that extra time in the morning with Jilly so since I am feeling tired I'm headed off now before that gets away from me!
Friday, May 6, 2011
"Cake no longer just calls your name, it full on smacks you in the face"
This is what my new psychiatrist told me when I met with her today as we were discussing my lack of a hunger gauge and how I realize when I have the shakes and getting a headache that I haven't eaten all day. I smiled when she said it but inside I was full on laughing. Yes, she nailed it on the head and that is the truth of it...a cookie called my name being the title of my blog--well because for me while in a healthy meaning way it was a cookie that became my "drug" of choice.
Back in 2000 I had just come home from my mission to So. Korea. I was SKINNY. Too Skinny actually hitting between a size 4-6 which on my body frame is not healthy. Ideally my perfect size is at an 8. a loose 8. Which is my goal. I had been unhealthy most of my mission. and completely limited on what foods to eat--in fact there was food for fuel and a treat maybe once a week...that was it. and it was perfect. Perhaps unrealistic to live that way with a family, but when you are just you and one other person and you're on your own for food choices (No I will not eat KimChi for breakfast...or dinner food. I just couldn't wrap my mind around that) I'd have cereal and eggs and some fruit most mornings. A good healthy choice. I knew if I didn't have some protein in there I'd be starving before lunch. Lunch and dinner were often with contacts or members of our church. The korean people love food and they love to share their food and they also assume that if you are american you are fat and need to eat lots and lots and lots of food and that we are fat because of all the milk we drink. (there may be some truth to that if you take milk in all its forms...and replacement forms) I also walked miles and miles every day. We rode the bus, and we walked. We'd walk from one end of the city to another tracting or making it to appointments. and it was great. I loved it.
Coming back to the United States, I remember getting off the airplane in San Fransico and thinking holy crap! American's really are fat. And lets face it. We are.
I swore I would NEVER let that happen to me. I'd always worried about my weight. I was a bit curvy I carried the extra freshman 15. but the next year it was all gone. I thought I was fat. I grew up thinking how fat I was and I was just going to get more fat.
Some guys I hung out with in High School ignorantly talked about how they always wanted to meet a girls mom to see her FP. Fat Potential. If the momma was a big gal, don't date her. If you marry her you'll have a fat wife.
I thought it was judgmental and rude...and inside I was afraid. I thought. My mom is fat. (barely, and she had 13 children) My dad is fat. I'm doomed. (he was also barely overweight...not morbidly obese)
Back to coming home from my mission--that year was a wonderful year of adjusting to life. I thought I could conquer the world. I took 21 credits worked 3 jobs. and pushed my body beyond the limits I should have.
I have suffered from depression off and on throughout my life. as 2001 came into full swing my depression was heavy. I found myself planning ways to die where it would look like a freak accident, like driving through a light as a semi is coming down a hill and has no way to stop. The thought of how traumatized that semi driver would be is what stopped me. That and a phone call to my dad. He asked me what makes me happy. I said nothing. (when you have clinical depression and you are in full swing nothing does) he said, okay what is something you enjoy. And I thought of a cookie. A soft sugar cookie that a local bakery sold. Something about that cookie was special. He told me go get the cookie. It will break this downward spiral, doing one positive thing will help break the spiral.
He was right.
I couldn't finish the cookie, but that wasn't the point. (although it is the point now) I found myself about once a week going for a cookie just to break the spiral. and I went and got on some meds. That was also a big help and so was group therapy I did that summer. Hard, brutal, raw and honest. It helped.
the problem is that I didn't stop to see that the cookie didn't have to be a cookie. it could be anything, a game of tennis, a walk in the park, petting a friendly dog (petting unfriendly dogs tends to not make moods better) nailing jello to a tree...I'm kidding but thinking about nailing jello to a tree come on, that makes you smile...
When I lost my first baby it was a pan of lemon bars. I ate the whole pan. I felt so sick and miserable, I forced myself to keep eating it. Why? at the time I didn't analyze it. I think I just wanted to shove all that pain and sorrow I was filling back down inside of me. I even made a new pan and ate the couple of pieces that were missing that morning so Korey wouldn't know. And then I told him what I had done, making it even sillier I had done that--but shows the mindset I was at. Guilt and shame.
I didn't often go on a binge like that which is perhaps why it stands out so clearly to me.
But I learned to turn to food for a sick kind of comfort.
After I had my sweet Jilly, I worked hard and lost a lot of weight. I went from 213 down to 185. down to 176. down to 164. I was within 30 pounds of my goal weight. and I lost another baby.
My weight spiraled back up and has yo yo-ed since then.
So in the brutal honesty I am looking at myself with I now share where I am today.
I had a doctors appointment yesterday where I was weighed...and one again today. 252. I'm a line backer. I'm two people. If I were a 6'4 man I'd be in great shape. but I'm not. I'm 5'6. I should weigh 135. That is a healthy comfortable weight for my frame. I have to lose a person.
daunting yes. impossible? no.
I also found out that while my cholesterol is great and my blood pressure always shocks the nurses who take it because being as fat as I am they expect it to be high...my labs came back showing that I am pre-diabetic. I'm not diabetic now, but to stop it from happening, there need to be some big changes, and they need to happen now.
I've been making baby steps. I've been emotionally and mentally preparing myself for this big push. and the time has come. So holding nothing back, here are my pics.
But I need to be honest. Completely honest. and stop hiding because I have surpassed my FP. I haven't had 13 kids. I've had one. I've lost 2.
Am I obese? yes. I'm not just fat, I'm obese. In fact some godawful person named it morbidly obese. How is that helpful to anyone? But there it is.
Does this define who I am? No. It is something I am dealing with. I cannot change the past. I do need to work to understand it. So that going forward is a positive trajectory.
For now, I'm working with my therapist, my psychiatrist, my pcm (family doc with military acronyms) and next week I meet with a dietician and go into the bod pod. I'll post pics and results of that. Its May 10. So watch for that.
When I first went in the nurse took my stats. my weight, my blood pressure which was 123/95 (yesterday at two different appointments it was 139/75 and 99/95) she then asked me when my last pap was. Yesterday. My last eye exam? Last week. My last dental check up? January. She said "boy you're on top of things!" I said that my health is now one of the top priorities in my life. and it is. I'm putting it on the front burner. Where I can watch it and take care of it. Baby steps to a healthier me.
My goal? to be at my target weight of 135 by my birthday next year when I turn 35 years old. 135 for 35!
I started taking Metformin today. 500mg which is the low dose. Its a drug used to help regulate insulin. I've got the extended release which will hopefully ease side effects.
at any rate Leo is excited for the changes I'm making. :)
Back in 2000 I had just come home from my mission to So. Korea. I was SKINNY. Too Skinny actually hitting between a size 4-6 which on my body frame is not healthy. Ideally my perfect size is at an 8. a loose 8. Which is my goal. I had been unhealthy most of my mission. and completely limited on what foods to eat--in fact there was food for fuel and a treat maybe once a week...that was it. and it was perfect. Perhaps unrealistic to live that way with a family, but when you are just you and one other person and you're on your own for food choices (No I will not eat KimChi for breakfast...or dinner food. I just couldn't wrap my mind around that) I'd have cereal and eggs and some fruit most mornings. A good healthy choice. I knew if I didn't have some protein in there I'd be starving before lunch. Lunch and dinner were often with contacts or members of our church. The korean people love food and they love to share their food and they also assume that if you are american you are fat and need to eat lots and lots and lots of food and that we are fat because of all the milk we drink. (there may be some truth to that if you take milk in all its forms...and replacement forms) I also walked miles and miles every day. We rode the bus, and we walked. We'd walk from one end of the city to another tracting or making it to appointments. and it was great. I loved it.
Coming back to the United States, I remember getting off the airplane in San Fransico and thinking holy crap! American's really are fat. And lets face it. We are.
I swore I would NEVER let that happen to me. I'd always worried about my weight. I was a bit curvy I carried the extra freshman 15. but the next year it was all gone. I thought I was fat. I grew up thinking how fat I was and I was just going to get more fat.
Some guys I hung out with in High School ignorantly talked about how they always wanted to meet a girls mom to see her FP. Fat Potential. If the momma was a big gal, don't date her. If you marry her you'll have a fat wife.
I thought it was judgmental and rude...and inside I was afraid. I thought. My mom is fat. (barely, and she had 13 children) My dad is fat. I'm doomed. (he was also barely overweight...not morbidly obese)
Back to coming home from my mission--that year was a wonderful year of adjusting to life. I thought I could conquer the world. I took 21 credits worked 3 jobs. and pushed my body beyond the limits I should have.
I have suffered from depression off and on throughout my life. as 2001 came into full swing my depression was heavy. I found myself planning ways to die where it would look like a freak accident, like driving through a light as a semi is coming down a hill and has no way to stop. The thought of how traumatized that semi driver would be is what stopped me. That and a phone call to my dad. He asked me what makes me happy. I said nothing. (when you have clinical depression and you are in full swing nothing does) he said, okay what is something you enjoy. And I thought of a cookie. A soft sugar cookie that a local bakery sold. Something about that cookie was special. He told me go get the cookie. It will break this downward spiral, doing one positive thing will help break the spiral.
He was right.
I couldn't finish the cookie, but that wasn't the point. (although it is the point now) I found myself about once a week going for a cookie just to break the spiral. and I went and got on some meds. That was also a big help and so was group therapy I did that summer. Hard, brutal, raw and honest. It helped.
the problem is that I didn't stop to see that the cookie didn't have to be a cookie. it could be anything, a game of tennis, a walk in the park, petting a friendly dog (petting unfriendly dogs tends to not make moods better) nailing jello to a tree...I'm kidding but thinking about nailing jello to a tree come on, that makes you smile...
When I lost my first baby it was a pan of lemon bars. I ate the whole pan. I felt so sick and miserable, I forced myself to keep eating it. Why? at the time I didn't analyze it. I think I just wanted to shove all that pain and sorrow I was filling back down inside of me. I even made a new pan and ate the couple of pieces that were missing that morning so Korey wouldn't know. And then I told him what I had done, making it even sillier I had done that--but shows the mindset I was at. Guilt and shame.
I didn't often go on a binge like that which is perhaps why it stands out so clearly to me.
But I learned to turn to food for a sick kind of comfort.
After I had my sweet Jilly, I worked hard and lost a lot of weight. I went from 213 down to 185. down to 176. down to 164. I was within 30 pounds of my goal weight. and I lost another baby.
My weight spiraled back up and has yo yo-ed since then.
So in the brutal honesty I am looking at myself with I now share where I am today.
I had a doctors appointment yesterday where I was weighed...and one again today. 252. I'm a line backer. I'm two people. If I were a 6'4 man I'd be in great shape. but I'm not. I'm 5'6. I should weigh 135. That is a healthy comfortable weight for my frame. I have to lose a person.
daunting yes. impossible? no.
I also found out that while my cholesterol is great and my blood pressure always shocks the nurses who take it because being as fat as I am they expect it to be high...my labs came back showing that I am pre-diabetic. I'm not diabetic now, but to stop it from happening, there need to be some big changes, and they need to happen now.
I've been making baby steps. I've been emotionally and mentally preparing myself for this big push. and the time has come. So holding nothing back, here are my pics.
 |
| Am I embarrassed? Yes. |
 |
| Do I need to make changes? Yes |
 |
| So If I'm embarrassed why post the pictures? |
 |
| I can record my journey without them. |
But I need to be honest. Completely honest. and stop hiding because I have surpassed my FP. I haven't had 13 kids. I've had one. I've lost 2.
Am I obese? yes. I'm not just fat, I'm obese. In fact some godawful person named it morbidly obese. How is that helpful to anyone? But there it is.
Does this define who I am? No. It is something I am dealing with. I cannot change the past. I do need to work to understand it. So that going forward is a positive trajectory.
For now, I'm working with my therapist, my psychiatrist, my pcm (family doc with military acronyms) and next week I meet with a dietician and go into the bod pod. I'll post pics and results of that. Its May 10. So watch for that.
When I first went in the nurse took my stats. my weight, my blood pressure which was 123/95 (yesterday at two different appointments it was 139/75 and 99/95) she then asked me when my last pap was. Yesterday. My last eye exam? Last week. My last dental check up? January. She said "boy you're on top of things!" I said that my health is now one of the top priorities in my life. and it is. I'm putting it on the front burner. Where I can watch it and take care of it. Baby steps to a healthier me.
My goal? to be at my target weight of 135 by my birthday next year when I turn 35 years old. 135 for 35!
at any rate Leo is excited for the changes I'm making. :)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Getting Real...again...
Well I'm bitting the bullet and posting my pictures front back and side views. not pretty but the reality of where I am. the one thing that stands out most to me is my legs. My calves are tight and toned and it shows up in the picture. I've been losing inches in my legs mostly--a little in my arms--and NOTHING in my stomach. wich actually serves to make me feel FATTER. because my belly sticks out more.
Cindy and I have found scar tissue buildup from my gall bladder surgery so we are working on that right now whch could be part of the deal.
Anyway, my goal is to drop 42 pounds before I fly to
When I get home I have to get my new military ID issued. (or just before I leave) so it is a good double goal to be in that place with my weight.
I plan to be up there on that roof helping out and making myself useful not just around the house, but on the house. :)
I am also looking forward to a summer of camping and hiking and not having my weight be an issue that slows me down. Not this time. Never again.
I don't have grand ambitions of running a marathon. I do want to do some more 5 K's. I really enjoyed doing that with Cindy. and walking is good for me. :) I don't enjoy running so why not just do what I love?
Korey and I have talked about going back to
I'm looking forward to a year of challenging my fears, facing them, and conquering them. I don't need to live in fear of the next illness. or of not setting dreams or goals because I might have to move and give it all up. its not like wantint the part of Liza Doolittle in a play, being told its mine and then having to go back and say I'm sorry my family is moving I won't be here to do that. and never trying for a part in a school play again...just in case. I didn't want to have to walk away. So instead I shut down.
Too often the message that came across was if you weren't a boy you weren't up to go shooting with Dad. You weren't up for hiking or camping. The years I was at home were not the ones that mom pushed so much and went camping with the kids anyway on her own.
I don't know if you can keep up.
that seemed to be the message. I'd say I can, I know I can. but it didn't matter. Even now, its the "boys" go shooting and the girls stay home with the kids.
So this year when it comes to paint balling--I'm in. When it comes to bowling. I'm in. When it comes to shooting. I'm in. I want to LIVE my life. not just sit by and let it pass me over. I know that my weight represents protection and fear. Protecting myself from change and fear of having to live the life I have always wanted for myself. well I'm ready to live.
So be watching for some big big changes. and please keep supporting and caring for me through the journey.
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