It seems for me the journey of finding my healthiest best self is not a forward projectile. I tend to wander. Get fed up with myself and just let go of routines I have worked hard for along the way. I want it to be easy. It should be easy, its just food, not rocket science. The math of it, that is easy. Its all the emotional everything that gets in the way. and it isn't even the same emotional stuff from day to day! that too would be easy.
I'll have a day where I don't care and I don't want to find out why I don't care. So there. Its childish. I find myself emotionally exhausted at this juncture in my life. I truly believe that I am on the cusp of a transformation that right now I've worked hard to build up a place to begin my chrysalis. then as I work inward on all the things I need to care for with myself the outer transformation will happen. I am working towards loving myself. loving this body that I have been given. Loving my DID the gift it has been for me and embracing that it changes, that it morphs through its own path of growth. I begin to feel familiar with my DID. I understand the why's of so many things and then it mutates. Parts are finished trusting me now to care for the skills that they have carried. I find myself truly exhausted. and Diane tells me it is to be expected, and its a good thing. So I focus on trying to remain positive...or rather to find positivity to hold on to.
Releasing the way I think it "should" be to the joy of what it is.
I'm doing this right now with Jilly and homeschooling her. I know it is the best path for her right now and her education. I plan, I prepare but I turn it over to the Lord to guide me to the best answers, the best ways to help her grow and learn. I find myself feeling I should be stressed about the situation but there is a calm and I feel that it will just come as needed. and I ask myself why is my eduation of the care and love of my body any different? why do I have to have all the answers right now? why can I not surrender to the process and turn it over to the Lord to help me focus with my growth and progress in this too?
I can. Its scary, but I can. I pray daily right now for the knowledge of the best direction for myself. I pray for the guidance to know how to best love myself and to turn this over to God. I'm not sure what the answers will be in coming but they are coming--and I release my self-doubt and my worry and I turn it over to God. I know I will have to fight to do this again tomorrow, and even several times during any given day. It is a new something I am not used to doing. it will take time. But I believe that my answers are here within my grasp for with God all things are truly possible
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