So this month isn't just about my anniversary. I'm taking the opportunity of this celebration of life and my marriage, my relationship with Korey to renew my relationship with life as well. To embrace my goals and dreams. So what are they? Well, my fundamental most important one is to live a healthy vibrant life. Saturday, Korey, Jilly and I went to Park City and went shopping. I'm not at my goal weight yet, and thus far I have been unwilling to really look for something nice and buy myself something that wasn't off the clearance rack or at a screaming deal--my excuses (I call them that here because of where my mental state has been) were that I'm losing weight and I don't want to spend that kind of money for something I won't be wearing long. Here is why it was an excuse and not a reason. I didn't feel that at my overweight state I deserved to have something nice. I should be punished for the fact I had allowed myself to get fat. It served me right to look frumpy. Problem is, if I look frumpy, I feel frumpy. If I dress like I walked off a clearance rack I feel like I'm only worthy of a clearance rack. Now some people will argue that you can find amazing deals and great clothes on the clearance rack and why spend more if you don't have to for the same things you would buy anyway. True. But--at the sizes I have been--well not much on the clearance rack that I would really pick for myself had it been at full price or if price weren't an issue. Lets say the clothes were free. You had your choice--anything on that rack, stipulation, since its free you are only to pick what you really truly love. (if you are too much of a yay its free I'd take all of it person think this way you have up to $100 dollars and you have to use to buy 1 item on the rack only 1 item) could you justify that money for something you don't truly love? Would you take home something you don't truly love? I can't tell you how many times I have just bought clothes because it was on sale and it fits. and then just not looked in the mirror. I've gotten better at spending a little more on pants because I spend less in the long run for 2 or 3 pairs that fit great and last than for more that I can't wear a few times during the week--that don't wash well etc. But shirts--T-shirt. Fits. Done. Dressy shirt. Fits. Done. A few times I have shopped for something I liked but only if it was less than $20. The max I felt comfortable with was $12. after that I would feel like I shouldn't get this. I won't wear it long enough to enjoy it. The only times I ever went over that amount was if I was with a friend and they told me how good it looked and I knew they were right--and they were there to tell me of my value--they didn't use those words but I felt important enough to do it.
Now luckily for me it isn't about money. Its not that I don't have the money to spend to build a wardrobe.
Long story to explain where this was going--I went to Banana Republic. I didn't go to Old Navy, or Gap. I wanted work clothes, and I wanted to know that I had spent some money on me because I deserve it. I was only going to get something I loved. And I did. I got myself a dressy T-shirt on clearance because that is where I found it--$18. A red blouse not on clearance but everything in the store was 30% off. $40 at the sale price. and a grey cardigan that is so soft--about $38 on sale. I spent $100. On three pieces. and I left knowing I had made purchases I was happy with, that I will feel good wearing. Even "at this weight"
I want to celebrate that I am down 47 pounds. That I am alive and living right now. RIGHT NOW. I'm not going to start living when I get to my goal weight. I'll never get there that way. I'm not waiting anymore for a special day or the new year to start afresh. I don't need to start over, I just want to live. Embrace my journey. Sunday I went to the park with my cousin Emalee. We hung out and had a good time. It was her anniversary and her husband is deployed. Emotionally I was having a rough day, but she needed me and I was able to set aside all my own stuff and just go be with her. and I HAD FUN.
Yesterday for Labor day Korey and I went back up to Park City and did the zipline. It wasn't the adrenaline rush I was thinking it would be--but it was amazing, it felt like flying over the treetops. And its something I would have said, when I get to my goal weight...about before. Well no more. I am an adventurer by nature, if I embrace my nature then the weight will come off. With my hormone stuff I don't know if it will be quick or slow, but I'm not punishing myself for it anymore. I am vibrant. I am energetic. At my core self this is who I am. I'm not out on a journey to find myself. I've been doing that. Well I know who I am. I'm not focusing on what I don't like about myself anymore, I'm focusing on what I like, embracing those things and living. Today.
This morning. I got up at 5:30 even though I tossed last night most of the night. I took the dogs for a walk--what a great way to start my morning! I didn't do it because I felt like I had to, but because I wanted to. I enjoy walking the dogs. I enjoy walking. and first thing in the morning when the stars are still out--everything is quiet--no people up and about yet so my anxiety isn't kicking in. It just felt really nice.
and now I'm ready for the adventure that today is.
Hey Celest, I love the attitude about living today and being who you are. I am so ready to do that in my mind, but have been holding back with the baby. Now he is term. I can push my self out of bed, go out in my garden work, play... And not worry about the contractions. They are welcome now. and even the pain at the end of a day, it means I am part of life. That is good. It is accepting now and loving the good stuff of life. I love you.
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