I've identified to big triggers. Last week I realized that grief is a huge trigger for me to eat recklessly. My psychiatrist asked me what does a binge look like to you? Eating a bag of candy. Numbing out the whole time and then realizing I have eaten it all. I looked at this with neutral eyes. It was filling a very useful purposed. I didn't want to feel overwhelming grief when I lost my baby so I numbed out with food. I didn't want to feel nothing, so I would overstuff to the point I just felt sick. but it was something to feel...without feeling the grief.
I have been getting a handle on that. Tonight something happened that triggered my panic. A very stressful situation has been presented that would cause me to have to stretch into a "die" area. I don't quite feel like I would die, or that far of a push but it is WAY out of my comfort zone. and I have great fears as to if it will push back my progress in therapy etc. I don't know the answer to it but I have been churning on it all night. I've taken my ativan...it has lessened it but not taken away the panic. this is a first for me with the ativan not just balancing the panic out. I know that in this case it is because there is a real issue not just my faulty alarm going off. and I started to stress eat.
Now, if I step away from the emotions and actions and look at the picture from a neutral place I see that I was triggered today and reached for a regular comfort that I have built up over the past several years. I also see that I stopped long before the ice cream was empty. Did I eat too much? yes...did I want to eat it no. and I asked Korey to take it away. take it away I felt out of control. In that moment I made a decision and exercised restraint and control. I asked for help. I knew I was in over my head. Not coping well and I asked for help. I am blessed my help is there. He is always there for me.
It is interesting to know that there was a reaction of "well if I spiral and I'm out of control then I can't do this thing" the thing is, I'm not the same as I was a year ago. while grief, fear and panic may call my name and beckon to me through ice cream, cookies or junk I don't always heed it. I now understand it. and I gave in, for a moment which is natural and understandable especially given that I am just now finding just what the payoff of eating and being overweight was for me.
I don't need the weight to protect me. I don't need the food to protect me. I may or may not do this "stretch" but I will determin that based on what is the healthiest best situation for me. I am not going to do it simply because I was asked. If I choose to go this route and pursue this possibility it will be because it is what is right for me right now. I don't know the answer to that right now. If I went with an answer today it would be no. But I sense a possibility. So I will think about it, mull it over and pray about it. and we will see. My gut says I'm not quite ready, but at the same time I haven't tried to stretch in this way for years. What if I am? If I can step out of myself I could blossom...who knows.
I haven't eaten a whole box of donughts in over a year and a half. I haven't eaten a whole box of ice cream in a very long time...I rarely even have ice cream. today I ate about 1/3 of the box. Not good. But not bad considering where I was just a short time ago.
I didn't make it to the gym today, which I thoroughly planned to do. I know that the weather and the effect storms coming in and out has on me has a lot to do with that. I also know that I was already feeling emotionally exhausted today. There are still going to be days like that. If I can embrace those days as is. no judgement, it is neither good or bad, it just is. then it will be easier each new day to pick up the pieces right where I left off and get to it. and I didn't totally crash and burn, I ran errands, and cleaned the house with its home blessing hour despite the fact I was running on less than full cylinders. I returned phone calls and allowed 2 sets of visitors in my home. That is a big deal for me.
Acknowledging what is the trigger for bad behavior takes me one step closer to realizing why I do it and to also finding a new way to look at things and to change my response. when its so automatic its on autopilot I will never make any changes but when I decide to take control and focus on what is happening in my life and why I do the things I do I find all kinds of wonderful answers.
Eating wasn't just about the food, it was independence. and control. controlling what is out of control instead of having that taken from me all the time. it was a way to shelve emotions I didn't know how to process or I had been told were bad or evil. emotions just are. we give them too much power--anger doesn't have to be scary. Fear doesn't have to be crippling. Happiness doesn't have to be over the top. they can all be genuine and you can feel them in different places in your body. I can scream or hit or kick as long as I don't scream or hit or kick other people. but if I kick my bed or the ball really hard. that is healthy. I'm giving honor to the emotion, and I'm releasing it instead of harboring it until its so confusing inside that I don't know which way is up or down.
I have been asked to be part of an education program with a health coach provided through triwest our insurance company. The health coach will check in with me once a month and I will get educational information about depression and anxiety. I'm taking my feelings to school. :) I'm replacing behaviors. Like today, keep spiraling or ask for help. I asked for help. I'm really proud of myself for that.
I'm also writing my feelings out tonight so I don't have to take them upstairs where they will keep me from sleeping. I can leave them here. Get the rest I need. And make it to the gym in the morning.
I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow...I think I could use a healthy dose of Diane!!
I think it is very wise to say that we give our emotions too much power. I like to feel that my strong emotional responses help me process my life better, but many times they cause more harm than good. And that is simply because I give them way too much power, especially the negative emotions.
ReplyDeleteI'd say my mechanism to numb/forget is more watching movies/tv than eating. Although, I can seriously go for coke after coke when I need a distraction. But watching movies on the couch easily leads to mindless snacking, so, I do know what that is like to that extent.
I think that education on the subject is important so that sufferers can get the support and comfort they deserve. Mental illnesses are often misunderstood and some are certainly stigmatized by the general public, I think. Lame game.