Authentic self...

I don't feel like I can live authentically. I have to be on guard and careful. Make sure part transitions are smooth an people don't notice when its not quite me. Holding all that in is stressful causes me more anxiety and this sense of shame thats not fair. If my diagnosis makes others uncomfortable shouldn't that be their problem and not mine? I was recently confronted about how openI am with my depression and anxiety and that it bothers people. I just felt sad that they couldn't look at it with curiosity. If you don't understand it that's ok...and its not contagious. You won't catch it from me. I live an overall positive upbeat life. Not because I choose to rise above this. Its because its under control the depression and anxiety. My medication works! Thank God! And my innate nature is positive. Im a glass has plenty kind of gal. Im not a victim although I have been victimized in the past. Im not a survivor although obviously I survived. Im not even a thriver. I just am. I can't pretend my mom was any less of a complex being--I lived hiding the monster inside of her. Bought in to saving the family image. I just can't do that because I need to give myself permission to heal. I fragmented to cope. I was ingeniously creative and found my own special way to survive. I don't hate my mom even when I say she was a crazy bitch! I hate what she went through and put me through--you have to feel pretty bad to be as loving and tender hearted as she was and be capable of the cruelty she bestowed on her children. Its complicated. I can't pretend it isn't. I think it would shock so many people to know how she could be. Sweet loving June? Never. But she was at times so scary and cruel. Call me a name any name. I don't care. My own mom called me worse and said and did such awful things that four eyes and goody two shoes...didn't even nick my armor. I learned to split so that what my mom said what my dad said and didnt say just didnt matter so why would anyone elses words even come close to being important?
I want to give myself permission to not hide my DID and screw the people who dont understand or think Im crazy instead of realizing what a gift DID is to me and those around me.
I dont repeat my moms patterns of abuse. Or my dads pattern of neglect. My mental "illness" is what gives me strength to address life as it comes at me.
Its an eventful ride to be sure! But I'm not crazy even if an old lady with a southern accent is the one doing the processing and talking in a situation or a punk add kid defiantly stands up to authority. Its who I am. All of it. I've only scratched upon its surface here but I just want to be me. No matter who I am in that moment its still me. I don't want to let worry hold me back anymore if you can't handle the friendship once you know? Buh-bye. I'm not going to apologize for telling the truth from the beauty of all that my mom was to the terror she reigned our home with. From the 3 yr old girl who is scared to the wisdom of the gentry at my gates. Im all here for very good reasons. I ingeniously found a way to live. Im 35 years old, and I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Yes sometimes there is chatter in my head. No Im not schizophrenic or Sybil. And yes Sybil is the first thing I thought of when I heard the diagnosis. Im tired now and need to sleep but I will be living out loud this year. I will be living Authentically. Whether you like it or not.

Christmas Eve

Here it is 2012...coming to a glorious end. Dismally this morning the weather did not look as though it was going to cooperate. Now the flurry of snow brings hope and that sense of Christmas!
Jilly is at the piano determined to prove that she will practice and get lessons back--(it had become a horrendous fight) I told her if she proves she wants it and practices every day for a month I will put her back in lessons. I said we can try again in a year or so. "I dont think so" she said and promptly sat at the piano. We will see.
I want to optimistically think she will just do it. Just as I want to believe I am going to eat on plan and get healthy--its not that I think she can't do it. Is it her priority? Is my health really mine? Its a question that eats at me. (pun intended) I want to go after life the way my puppy does. Unabashedly aggressively demanding attention, a head scratch a back rub--tells the world what he wants and goes for it.
No matter how many times I tell him no, he tries again. He will give it a minute or two and come back pawing at me strategically placing his head right under my hand and yes those brown eyes staring up at me.
I want to lovingly go after my health. No matter how many times I get turned away whether my hang ups or things i have to psychologically or physiologically work through. Just keep strategically putting myself in places for health to be unable to say "no" places like the gym, and the produce department :). For me its my million dollar smile. Take that health! How can you say no to my cute dimples. Determination...for today the piano keys clink, the puppy is getting a good head scratch and I am hopeful and optimistic...we are getting a white Christmas after all, I like the magic of possibilities in the air.

Church attendance

One of the aspects of my life that outwardly appears that i am not spiritually active is my church attendance. I sit here today in a meeting listening to how if as members we can remind those members not regularly here the first thing to do is remind them of their baptismal covenants. I will admit I bristled.
Before coming to my home and reminding me of my covenants--ask me how are you? Show me you missed me. If you didn't why are you here? For numbers? Then shame on you for i am not a number to my God. Perhaps instead of trying to ge me back ask me where i have been. I may or may not be honest wih you about that. Lets say i decide i am going to be 100% honest in my response.
Sister Christensen, we would like to invite you back to your meetings.
I would love to be there I cant tell you how much i miss that fellowship the spiritual growth knowledge and understanding

Sister christensen we would like to remind you of the baptismal covenants you made..

Trust me I have never forgotten.

What is i then that keeps you from your meetings?

I have a panic disorder. I can't breathe or think clearly. I suffe from PTSD from all of the abuse i went through as a
Child. And from
The sexual assault i went through at the age of 13. Due to the abuse from my highly religious parents, the shame of ever talking about a sexual assault that occurred or how my "god fearing wonderful amazing parents could be one way at church and a completely different way at home"
--there comes a time sister Christensen where you have to forgive and go forward based on your own testimony.

I do. If i relied on my family life youd never have heard of me. All of my testimony is my own despite the teachings of my
patents. I learned to cope with my abusive
Parents and life e experiences.
I have instead by the grace of God been given ptsd, anxiety disorder and DID to handle my trials. He loves me. He takes what i have to offer each day. Its not your best but it is mine. He accepts it whatever my best is. Ask first don't think that just because i a not at meetings that my testimony or conversion are in question. Ask instead what do you need from us? The sacrament coming to me what a blessing. Why for so long was i told no?

Now I've been "inactive" for so long i cab bring my dog an no one cares which is good because he is a service animal legal and binding. They cant throw him out.
I wasn't healthy enough even with his help to come before. I can try now. So judge if you want. Right now I don't care. Im here because for the first time in 5 years I am here. Im here for me , my daughter my husband and thats Why i am here. Medication and therapy have given me the strength to reach out and grasp this day meetings and all. I never left the church. I do feel it abandoned me. The gospel no. But when last did you call to see why someone you are hall friends with at church isn't there did you pick up a phone or call to see why. Its lonely on this side especially when its not my choice to be away.
Why don't you call them,? Part of my anxiety is a paralyzing fear of phone
calls.
No judgement here just plain old fashioned loneliness.

New part of the journey

When in the process of a journey it's not really a new beginning but sometimes it's time to re-evaluate where I'm starting from today. This past week my health coach recommended that I re-do the beginning chapters of my workbook . I embraced the process and started my inspiration wall for the 3rd time in my journey. I accomplished much of what was on my wall before. Instead of an5k I did a half marathon. This month I will be doing 2 5ks for me it's about doing and pushing myself to finish not about racing or a certain time. I have interesting challenges in my weightless journey. Having parts and being DID makes it more challenging, but not impossible. My journey might be slower because of this but it's my journey to complete and whole health. So here is the beginning of my new inspiration wall...and I've already done the zip line :)