Getting Real...again...

Well I'm bitting the bullet and posting my pictures front back and side views. not pretty but the reality of where I am. the one thing that stands out most to me is my legs. My calves are tight and toned and it shows up in the picture. I've been losing inches in my legs mostly--a little in my arms--and NOTHING in my stomach. wich actually serves to make me feel FATTER. because my belly sticks out more.
Cindy and I have found scar tissue buildup from my gall bladder surgery so we are working on that right now whch could be part of the deal.
Anyway, my goal is to drop 42 pounds before I fly to Sweden in July. I have plenty of time to do it. I can do it. I want to do it and it gives me a good goal to work for.  I will be under 200 before flying to Sweden.
When I get home I have to get my new military ID issued. (or just before I leave) so it is a good double goal to be in that place with my weight.
I plan to be up there on that roof helping out and making myself useful not just around the house, but on the house. :)
I am also looking forward to a summer of camping and hiking and not having my weight be an issue that slows me down. Not this time. Never again.
I don't have grand ambitions of running a marathon. I do want to do some more 5 K's. I really enjoyed doing that with Cindy. and walking is good for me. :) I don't enjoy running so why not just do what I love?
Korey and I have talked about going back to Hawaii for our 10 year anniversary. Well, that is coming up in 2013. When we go I want to be scuba certified so that I can go scuba diving in Hawaii. I also want to go parasailing behind a boat. I'm excited for those adventures. Korey and I both plan on having motorcycle licenses here in the next couple of years and I want to be strong and healthy to truly benefit from that as well.
I'm looking forward to a year of challenging my fears, facing them, and conquering them. I don't need to live in fear of the next illness. or of not setting dreams or goals because I might have to move and give it all up. its not like wantint the part of Liza Doolittle in a play, being told its mine and then having to go back and say I'm sorry my family is moving I won't be here to do that. and never trying for a part in a school play again...just in case. I didn't want to have to walk away. So instead I shut down.
Too often the message that came across was if you weren't a boy you weren't up to go shooting with Dad. You weren't up for hiking or camping. The years I was at home were not the ones that mom pushed so much and went camping with the kids anyway on her own.
I don't know if you can keep up.
that seemed to be the message. I'd say I can, I know I can. but it didn't matter. Even now, its the "boys" go shooting and the girls stay home with the kids.
So this year when it comes to paint balling--I'm in. When it comes to bowling. I'm in. When it comes to shooting. I'm in. I want to LIVE my life. not just sit by and let it pass me over. I know that my weight represents protection and fear. Protecting myself from change and fear of having to live the life I have always wanted for myself. well I'm ready to live.
So be watching for some big big changes. and please keep supporting and caring for me through the journey.

I am the Pain

I am fear and shame in the worst way.
I am debilitating, stunting progress
pushing away change
I am disbelief and anguish
I am fear
The unknown is uncomfortable
I am not at peace yet this is what I know
I dislike emotions
push them back inside
I am shame
I am haunted by imperfections
I am unable to obtain
I am fear
I am am shame

I fear that I will not be able to acquire the life I dream for myself. I have sat and watched as my world has spiraled out of my control. I grew up afraid of displeasing, and yet I could not obtain that obsolete approval. Sometimes there but shattered by a word, a look--you'll never be good enough--the message loud and clear. You don't want to turn out like your sister--how the echo of those overheard words pained. What is it about me that is so bad? What is it about me that causes you to lash out? What is it about me? I shudder. I cry. I am ashamed that I cry. Push it back in. Hold it all in. I am strength if you do not see that inside I am weak, scared, and ashamed to be me. Fake it till you believe it. Fake it until you make it. Fake it fake it fake it. I live in this world where I am faking a life. Faking a way to be. Faking strength. Hiding the fears, before I open the door to enter the home. I feel dread and I am worried that I will open the door and there will be anger, or dismissal. I am confused. I feel loved, and cherished and I feel despised and loathed. The confusion is too much for me so it is better not to feel at all.
I am the Gentry at the gate. I guard what goes in and what comes out. I guard the emotions. I am the gate keeper. I keep things in that must not come out. I keep things out that must not come in. I am the barrier between sanity and the world. I am here to protect. I am here to keep safe the precious dreams and joys and hopes of the children. I will hide them inside of my protective walls. I keep them from knowing more pain. I can't protect them. And I am ashamed. My job is to be numb. To keep the world at bay. Un-phased. I cannot do this much longer my body cries out to release the pain, to release the fears to share it. To not have to hold it anymore.
I am memories I do not wish to remember. I crop up in moments that seem out of place.
I need to relinquish the shame in the memories. I want to give them over to experience. There has been healing. There has been hope so why must the memories crop up one by one?
Do not talk about the dark hours. Do not share your pain. Do not tarnish a good name. The message again you are not worthy of the emotions that you feel. You should not feel. Not these emotions. It is wrong wrong wrong. and I am ashamed. I am afraid to speak of things that are confusing. I am afraid to share the pain. Fake it. Share the good memories. or don't share anything at all. Why can't it all exist? Why must it all be broken up and compartmentalized? Why do I have this job? Ah yes to protect. I am the barrier. The Gentry at the gate.

Slow But Steady Wins The Race

I feel a change in the air. Its the crisp fresh smell of fall, the leaves are changing and about to drop. Then things slow as the hibernation of winter sets in. Above the surface things seem dead, no change--its painfully slow some days. But under the surface the roots gain strength absorbing what they need from the soil. The soil obtains moisture from the snow as it melts, then freezes and melts again. Change is in the air as the season then turns to spring. Blooming forth strong, ready to truly create the worlds beauty. To create the beauty I am prepared to see in my own life. Change then for the summer fun, as the beauty then blazes with the strength of the heat.
So what is it the blows now through the air in my life? My health. My weight. My body. I'm telling myself slow and steady, take the pace at a strong slow steady pace. Goal one, eat a healthy breakfast. No more skipping that all too important meal of the day. onto my third week now of steady healthy breakfasts. Goal two, get a good nights sleep. Tonight I gave myself permission to stay up a little past my bedtime. Bedtime? I don't know that I've ever truly had one, not in a couple decades. Just finished my second week of going upstairs by 10 pm. In bed and ready to sleep by 10:30. I'm staying up "late" tonight. its 11:36 pm. "late" for me before, well try 2, 3, 4 am? not sleeping well has been a chorus in my life, no matter what the lines the before or after, the sleepless me remained.
2 weeks, in a row, of sleeping well? unheard of, and yet goal two moving on strong. (Proof? its 11:40 and I'm exhausted) I am ready to go to bed, but feel the need to write this out for myself. I hadn't been wanting to get on the scale, or do my measurements...but today I did. 239. that seems like a big number, and it is. My highest weight was 256. Last summer. I was at 251 in August. Down to 246 mid October. Without really trying, or any real consistency--I changed things as far as not munching so much. I was careful during the holidays, listening to my body, what do I really FEEL like eating? Not a lot of sugar. I continued to drop weight and just after Christmas made myself weigh in fearing I was back up--but instead saw the 241 on that scale. I hadn't gotten back on the scale to look at my numbers until today. I was worried I'd be back up around 246. Well...I'm below 240. I don't want to go back. I knew my pants were fitting more loosely. That there are 2 pairs I bought when I started working at the end of May that I can't wear because they are too big. and a couple of pairs I can slide on and off without unzipping--I know that soon they too will go by the wayside and I will move into a smaller size. I feel that confidence building that things are different this time. I still have my goal weight of 136 pounds. I changed the date to my birthday, of 2012. I'm giving myself time this time to make the changes one at a time, grasp the concepts, see why I sabotage them, mostly I'm learning that its not being engaged in decision making. Stay up until I pass out, instead of saying I'm not tired, but I know I will be tomorrow so I will go take my sleeping pills and go to bed. Its getting up earlier because I have the energy to do that, and making a breakfast that is healthy and sets me forward on the right foot. This week I'm adding 15 minutes of housework to my day. That may sound weak, but I've been ill for so long that I'm not focused at the house. My spouse carries the weight of the cleaning here. I work less hours out of the home, and yet he carries us. I know that too is part of the change in the air. This is the next step. More movement isn't just about getting myself to the gym. its about building my confidence that I can pick up my life again and not have it fall apart on me. That instead of throwing a huge todo list at myself that is impossible to accomplish I just focus on one thing that I want to add or change. this is the thing I am adding for the next two weeks. 15 minutes of focused planned house work. I can do that. I'm ready to do it. It is a stretch to me from where I've been, it does feel uncomfortable. I worry what if I am not ready to add this too? so I know it is a good goal to work for next. I'll do it for a week, for two weeks, and then I can see if I am comfortable to add another goal to the next week. I don't want to throw on another habit or goal before I have mastered the one I'm working on. 2 weeks of consistency, and I know I'm getting it, I'm on the right track. So here I go forward, embracing the change in the air. Knowing that I too am prepared to make the changes this winter that will bring about the blooms I want this spring. It may seem dead on the surface, but these little changes are what will build the foundation for the big visible changes that are to come. the weight might not drop off at a clipping rate but as I adjust to changing myself as I adjust my life to have the energy and self confidence, the focus that I am looking for then my foundation for change and to drop the weight will be solid and I won't be derailed as I have been in the past. I'll be engaged fully and completely in my life, and it will have the beauty of the world I want for myself.

This is my story and I am here

There are times when I want to reach out and shake the people next to me and say I am here--can't you see me? can't you see my pain? my joy? my reality? I am here. Walking through life in the roles meant or intended for me--carrying out my "job" nurturing those around me, picking up the broken pieces of the lives around me, mending hearts, encouraging laughter. All the while with my own turmoils that I carry. How long do I carry you? I think as I look around~and then a surprise, someone reaches out and takes my hand and says, I see you. I see your story, I see your pain, your joy, your reality. I see that you are here carrying so much and I am here to help you carry this load. I do not know how to share. There is relief, and fear. I give up the known, the burdens of my life and allow them to be lifted in part by someone else? no matter how dear they are to me can they really know my joys and pains? can they really truly understand and lift the load I carry? A quick laugh reminds me to play, a small child's kiss and tender caress remind me that there is more to life than a to do list. A more organized soul than I reaches in and takes the list for a while. Interwoven in a society of love and caring. Interwoven with reservation yes, and yet that society has been here all along. functioning. at times we are oblivious to each other, at times we pretend we do not see despite that nagging urging to open eyes and hearts and arms. at times we see so much more than we should. And all the while it flows through us, this web of connectivity. There is not one without the others. Even those in isolation could not pride themselves on their ability to remain in solitude if there were not others for them to shun from their lives. Existence depends on the existence. And yet all the while as individual as the falling snow. We shine out our existence, like the fireflies bio luminescence. Our existence is good and ill in the lives of those around us. and yet despite whatever similarities we may have there is still that desire to reach out and shake those around us and say This is my story, this is my life. I am here. See me. Hear me. Understand me. This is my story, and I am here.