I feel a change in the air. Its the crisp fresh smell of fall, the leaves are changing and about to drop. Then things slow as the hibernation of winter sets in. Above the surface things seem dead, no change--its painfully slow some days. But under the surface the roots gain strength absorbing what they need from the soil. The soil obtains moisture from the snow as it melts, then freezes and melts again. Change is in the air as the season then turns to spring. Blooming forth strong, ready to truly create the worlds beauty. To create the beauty I am prepared to see in my own life. Change then for the summer fun, as the beauty then blazes with the strength of the heat.
So what is it the blows now through the air in my life? My health. My weight. My body. I'm telling myself slow and steady, take the pace at a strong slow steady pace. Goal one, eat a healthy breakfast. No more skipping that all too important meal of the day. onto my third week now of steady healthy breakfasts. Goal two, get a good nights sleep. Tonight I gave myself permission to stay up a little past my bedtime. Bedtime? I don't know that I've ever truly had one, not in a couple decades. Just finished my second week of going upstairs by 10 pm. In bed and ready to sleep by 10:30. I'm staying up "late" tonight. its 11:36 pm. "late" for me before, well try 2, 3, 4 am? not sleeping well has been a chorus in my life, no matter what the lines the before or after, the sleepless me remained.
2 weeks, in a row, of sleeping well? unheard of, and yet goal two moving on strong. (Proof? its 11:40 and I'm exhausted) I am ready to go to bed, but feel the need to write this out for myself. I hadn't been wanting to get on the scale, or do my measurements...but today I did. 239. that seems like a big number, and it is. My highest weight was 256. Last summer. I was at 251 in August. Down to 246 mid October. Without really trying, or any real consistency--I changed things as far as not munching so much. I was careful during the holidays, listening to my body, what do I really FEEL like eating? Not a lot of sugar. I continued to drop weight and just after Christmas made myself weigh in fearing I was back up--but instead saw the 241 on that scale. I hadn't gotten back on the scale to look at my numbers until today. I was worried I'd be back up around 246. Well...I'm below 240. I don't want to go back. I knew my pants were fitting more loosely. That there are 2 pairs I bought when I started working at the end of May that I can't wear because they are too big. and a couple of pairs I can slide on and off without unzipping--I know that soon they too will go by the wayside and I will move into a smaller size. I feel that confidence building that things are different this time. I still have my goal weight of 136 pounds. I changed the date to my birthday, of 2012. I'm giving myself time this time to make the changes one at a time, grasp the concepts, see why I sabotage them, mostly I'm learning that its not being engaged in decision making. Stay up until I pass out, instead of saying I'm not tired, but I know I will be tomorrow so I will go take my sleeping pills and go to bed. Its getting up earlier because I have the energy to do that, and making a breakfast that is healthy and sets me forward on the right foot. This week I'm adding 15 minutes of housework to my day. That may sound weak, but I've been ill for so long that I'm not focused at the house. My spouse carries the weight of the cleaning here. I work less hours out of the home, and yet he carries us. I know that too is part of the change in the air. This is the next step. More movement isn't just about getting myself to the gym. its about building my confidence that I can pick up my life again and not have it fall apart on me. That instead of throwing a huge todo list at myself that is impossible to accomplish I just focus on one thing that I want to add or change. this is the thing I am adding for the next two weeks. 15 minutes of focused planned house work. I can do that. I'm ready to do it. It is a stretch to me from where I've been, it does feel uncomfortable. I worry what if I am not ready to add this too? so I know it is a good goal to work for next. I'll do it for a week, for two weeks, and then I can see if I am comfortable to add another goal to the next week. I don't want to throw on another habit or goal before I have mastered the one I'm working on. 2 weeks of consistency, and I know I'm getting it, I'm on the right track. So here I go forward, embracing the change in the air. Knowing that I too am prepared to make the changes this winter that will bring about the blooms I want this spring. It may seem dead on the surface, but these little changes are what will build the foundation for the big visible changes that are to come. the weight might not drop off at a clipping rate but as I adjust to changing myself as I adjust my life to have the energy and self confidence, the focus that I am looking for then my foundation for change and to drop the weight will be solid and I won't be derailed as I have been in the past. I'll be engaged fully and completely in my life, and it will have the beauty of the world I want for myself.
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