Church attendance

One of the aspects of my life that outwardly appears that i am not spiritually active is my church attendance. I sit here today in a meeting listening to how if as members we can remind those members not regularly here the first thing to do is remind them of their baptismal covenants. I will admit I bristled.
Before coming to my home and reminding me of my covenants--ask me how are you? Show me you missed me. If you didn't why are you here? For numbers? Then shame on you for i am not a number to my God. Perhaps instead of trying to ge me back ask me where i have been. I may or may not be honest wih you about that. Lets say i decide i am going to be 100% honest in my response.
Sister Christensen, we would like to invite you back to your meetings.
I would love to be there I cant tell you how much i miss that fellowship the spiritual growth knowledge and understanding

Sister christensen we would like to remind you of the baptismal covenants you made..

Trust me I have never forgotten.

What is i then that keeps you from your meetings?

I have a panic disorder. I can't breathe or think clearly. I suffe from PTSD from all of the abuse i went through as a
Child. And from
The sexual assault i went through at the age of 13. Due to the abuse from my highly religious parents, the shame of ever talking about a sexual assault that occurred or how my "god fearing wonderful amazing parents could be one way at church and a completely different way at home"
--there comes a time sister Christensen where you have to forgive and go forward based on your own testimony.

I do. If i relied on my family life youd never have heard of me. All of my testimony is my own despite the teachings of my
patents. I learned to cope with my abusive
Parents and life e experiences.
I have instead by the grace of God been given ptsd, anxiety disorder and DID to handle my trials. He loves me. He takes what i have to offer each day. Its not your best but it is mine. He accepts it whatever my best is. Ask first don't think that just because i a not at meetings that my testimony or conversion are in question. Ask instead what do you need from us? The sacrament coming to me what a blessing. Why for so long was i told no?

Now I've been "inactive" for so long i cab bring my dog an no one cares which is good because he is a service animal legal and binding. They cant throw him out.
I wasn't healthy enough even with his help to come before. I can try now. So judge if you want. Right now I don't care. Im here because for the first time in 5 years I am here. Im here for me , my daughter my husband and thats Why i am here. Medication and therapy have given me the strength to reach out and grasp this day meetings and all. I never left the church. I do feel it abandoned me. The gospel no. But when last did you call to see why someone you are hall friends with at church isn't there did you pick up a phone or call to see why. Its lonely on this side especially when its not my choice to be away.
Why don't you call them,? Part of my anxiety is a paralyzing fear of phone
calls.
No judgement here just plain old fashioned loneliness.

New part of the journey

When in the process of a journey it's not really a new beginning but sometimes it's time to re-evaluate where I'm starting from today. This past week my health coach recommended that I re-do the beginning chapters of my workbook . I embraced the process and started my inspiration wall for the 3rd time in my journey. I accomplished much of what was on my wall before. Instead of an5k I did a half marathon. This month I will be doing 2 5ks for me it's about doing and pushing myself to finish not about racing or a certain time. I have interesting challenges in my weightless journey. Having parts and being DID makes it more challenging, but not impossible. My journey might be slower because of this but it's my journey to complete and whole health. So here is the beginning of my new inspiration wall...and I've already done the zip line :)

Getting Real...again...

Old post I found in my drafts...
Well I'm bitting the bullet and posting my pictures front back and side views. not pretty but the reality of where I am. the one thing that stands out most to me is my legs. My calves are tight and toned and it shows up in the picture. I've been losing inches in my legs mostly--a little in my arms--and NOTHING in my stomach. wich actually serves to make me feel FATTER. because my belly sticks out more.
Cindy and I have found scar tissue buildup from my gall bladder surgery so we are working on that right now whch could be part of the deal.
Anyway, my goal is to drop 42 pounds before I fly to Sweden in July. I have plenty of time to do it. I can do it. I want to do it and it gives me a good goal to work for.  I will be under 200 before flying to Sweden.
When I get home I have to get my new military ID issued. (or just before I leave) so it is a good double goal to be in that place with my weight.
I plan to be up there on that roof helping out and making myself useful not just around the house, but on the house. :)
I am also looking forward to a summer of camping and hiking and not having my weight be an issue that slows me down. Not this time. Never again.
I don't have grand ambitions of running a marathon. I do want to do some more 5 K's. I really enjoyed doing that with Cindy. and walking is good for me. :) I don't enjoy running so why not just do what I love?
Korey and I have talked about going back to Hawaii for our 10 year anniversary. Well, that is coming up in 2013. When we go I want to be scuba certified so that I can go scuba diving in Hawaii. I also want to go parasailing behind a boat. I'm excited for those adventures. Korey and I both plan on having motorcycle licenses here in the next couple of years and I want to be strong and healthy to truly benefit from that as well.
I'm looking forward to a year of challenging my fears, facing them, and conquering them. I don't need to live in fear of the next illness. or of not setting dreams or goals because I might have to move and give it all up. its not like wantint the part of Liza Doolittle in a play, being told its mine and then having to go back and say I'm sorry my family is moving I won't be here to do that. and never trying for a part in a school play again...just in case. I didn't want to have to walk away. So instead I shut down.
Too often the message that came across was if you weren't a boy you weren't up to go shooting with Dad. You weren't up for hiking or camping. The years I was at home were not the ones that mom pushed so much and went camping with the kids anyway on her own.
I don't know if you can keep up.
that seemed to be the message. I'd say I can, I know I can. but it didn't matter. Even now, its the "boys" go shooting and the girls stay home with the kids.
So this year when it comes to paint balling--I'm in. When it comes to bowling. I'm in. When it comes to shooting. I'm in. I want to LIVE my life. not just sit by and let it pass me over. I know that my weight represents protection and fear. Protecting myself from change and fear of having to live the life I have always wanted for myself. well I'm ready to live.
So be watching for some big big changes. and please keep supporting and caring for me through the journey.

Day 4 begins...

So this month isn't just about my anniversary. I'm taking the opportunity of this celebration of life and my marriage, my relationship with Korey to renew my relationship with life as well.  To embrace my goals and dreams. So what are they? Well, my fundamental most important one is to live a healthy vibrant life. Saturday, Korey, Jilly and I went to Park City and went shopping. I'm not at my goal weight yet, and thus far I have been unwilling to really look for something nice and buy myself something that wasn't off the clearance rack or at a screaming deal--my excuses (I call them that here because of where my mental state has been) were that I'm losing weight and I don't want to spend that kind of money for something I won't be wearing long. Here is why it was an excuse and not a reason. I didn't feel that at my overweight state I deserved to have something nice. I should be punished for the fact I had allowed myself to get fat. It served me right to look frumpy. Problem is, if I look frumpy, I feel frumpy. If I dress like I walked off a clearance rack I feel like I'm only worthy of a clearance rack. Now some people will argue that you can find amazing deals and great clothes on the clearance rack and why spend more if you don't have to for the same things you would buy anyway. True. But--at the sizes I have been--well not much on the clearance rack that I would really pick for myself had it been at full price or if price weren't an issue. Lets say the clothes were free. You had your choice--anything on that rack, stipulation, since its free you are only to pick what you really truly love. (if you are too much of a yay its free I'd take all of it person think this way you have up to $100 dollars and you have to use to buy 1 item on the rack only 1 item) could you justify that money for something you don't truly love? Would you take home something you don't truly love? I can't tell you how many times I have just bought clothes because it was on sale and it fits. and then just not looked in the mirror. I've gotten better at spending a little more on pants because I spend less in the long run for 2 or 3 pairs that fit great and last than for more that I can't wear a few times during the week--that don't wash well etc. But shirts--T-shirt. Fits. Done. Dressy shirt. Fits. Done. A few times I have shopped for something I liked but only if it was less than $20. The max I felt comfortable with was $12. after that I would feel like I shouldn't get this. I won't wear it long enough to enjoy it. The only times I ever went over that amount was if I was with a friend and they told me how good it looked and I knew they were right--and they were there to tell me of my value--they didn't use those words but I felt important enough to do it.
Now luckily for me it isn't about money. Its not that I don't have the money to spend to build a wardrobe.
Long story to explain where this was going--I went to Banana Republic. I didn't go to Old Navy, or Gap. I wanted work clothes, and I wanted to know that I had spent some money on me because I deserve it. I was only going to get something I loved. And I did. I got myself a dressy T-shirt on clearance because that is where I found it--$18. A red blouse not on clearance but everything in the store was 30% off. $40 at the sale price. and a grey cardigan that is so soft--about $38 on sale. I spent $100. On three pieces. and I left knowing I had made purchases I was happy with, that I will feel good wearing. Even "at this weight"
I want to celebrate that I am down 47 pounds. That I am alive and living right now. RIGHT NOW. I'm not going to start living when I get to my goal weight. I'll never get there that way. I'm not waiting anymore for a special day or the new year to start afresh. I don't need to start over, I just want to live. Embrace my journey. Sunday I went to the park with my cousin Emalee. We hung out and had a good time. It was her anniversary and her husband is deployed. Emotionally I was having a rough day, but she needed me and I was able to set aside all my own stuff and just go be with her. and I HAD FUN.
Yesterday for Labor day Korey and I went back up to Park City and did the zipline. It wasn't the adrenaline rush I was thinking it would be--but it was amazing, it felt like flying over the treetops. And its something I would have said, when I get to my goal weight...about before. Well no more. I am an adventurer by nature, if I embrace my nature then the weight will come off. With my hormone stuff I don't know if it will be quick or slow, but I'm not punishing myself for it anymore. I am vibrant. I am energetic. At my core self this is who I am. I'm not out on a journey to find myself. I've been doing that. Well I know who I am. I'm not focusing on what I don't like about myself anymore, I'm focusing on what I like, embracing those things and living. Today.
This morning. I got up at 5:30 even though I tossed last night most of the night. I took the dogs for a walk--what a great way to start my morning! I didn't do it because I felt like I had to, but because I wanted to. I enjoy walking the dogs. I enjoy walking. and first thing in the morning when the stars are still out--everything is quiet--no people up and about yet so my anxiety isn't kicking in. It just felt really nice.
and now I'm ready for the adventure that today is.