Well today I had gained weight...lost 1.5 inches over all since last week, but saw an increase in my hips. I was really frustrated. I don't know what threw it off this past week, I was feeling stronger, more energy--like I was on good track and the first time since starting the Be Slim program with Medifast I was discouraged AFTER all my numbers were in. I had already taken pictures so I decided I should do a slideshow and show myself my prograss. I'm feeling much better after seeing this!! So I'm not giving up. I am not going to let the numbers discourage me--I'm going to be at my goal weight by my birthday.
135 by 35!!!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, November 11, 2011
One week down...
So week one down. and overall I have lost a total of 10.25". Most notably for me was the 3 inches off my waist, and 1.75 inches off my hips. I'm excited about that. I don't weigh in until tomorrow morning.
My energy level has been up. I'm sleeping better. The melatonin is working for now. I haven't taken an actual sleeping pill all week. I'm really hoping for a 5 lb loss when I weigh in tomorrow morining but we will see. I stepped outside my meal plan tonight and had a pumpkin bagel. Its the only time all week I have eaten off plan. We went to TGIFriday's today for lunch, and I was shocked that there was really only 1 choice I could eat on the lean and green plan. None of their salads were ok! I went with a steak and roasted vegetables. I didn't eat the sweet potatoes just the squash. I got 2 sides with my meal and did both as the vegetables. I ate 1/2 the steak they brought out and all the squash. It wasn't quite 2 servings of green. The waitress has probably never been fat in her life--I say this because she stumbled on herself 2 times. She said that the all you can eat soup and salad was a good choice because you can eat a lot. pregnang pause. or not alot if you want. Then later she asked me "was there something wrong with your steak?" I know she asked it because I had only eaten half of it. The thing is I was full. In a nice content way. I didn't want to push down the rest of it. why? I said no it was great. Its a good thing I don't get offended easily! and also a good thing I wasn't leaving the tip! lol. anyway--Korey even noticed. He made a comment about it after we had left the restraunt. She should have asked how I was enjoying my meal, or how was the steak?
It annoys me but doesn't offend me if that makes sense. There are a lot of overweight people, and I think that it has become more of a norm than it should be. However being overweight has made me realize that skinny people who haven't ever dealt with weight issues can be really insensitive about what they are saying. I know I used to be very judgemental about it. If you're fat its your fault, eat less and work out more.
The formula is correct. Its just when you start adding in all the emotional factors, and lack of education about what fuel for our bodies is about--
Today I made a consious choice to eat a bagel. I knew it was off plan. I decided to mindfully enjoy it as a treat, to let myself have it and not guilt myself about it. and that made it easy to take real pleasure out of eating a pumpkin bagel instead of looking down and thinking what the crap? I ate that? I don't even remember eating it, I should have another one. I ate it slowly and mindfully. I knew if I was going to deviate from my meal plan I had better take the time to really enjoy it.
I learned something in that moment. I knew that if I had berated myself or tried to make me feel guilty about it I would be more likely to go binge--eat the rest of the bagels in the bad and really throw off my eating plan.
In one week I've only had that one item not on my meal plan.
compared to how I was eating before?
night and day.
now its just one week but its the first brick in a new foundation. the more weeks I lay down these healthy habits and healthy choices the stronger that foundation will get to make sure that they are life changes. That I learn what contentment and true enjoyment of eating my food is.
When I shove a whole hamburger friens and large drink into my body I don't take time to just enjoy the food. I inhale it and then I feel gross and overstuffed. I was thinking about how I stayed as thin as I did in college even when I ate out. I relished my food. I enjoyed the savory bites--and I stopped when I felt content. so I would eat half a hamburger and a couple of fries. I drank more water.
When we first got Leo I remember I used to eat half a sandwich and feed him the other half. I took time to think about what I was eating, and how it felt in my mouth, the textures of it, the flavors of it--
I'm getting back to that. I've really been enjoying the lean and green meals especially. I love fresh produce and my greens are always so good. I didn't know I liked fresh green beans, but I do.
Its a journey--a process of learning and re-teaching myself about what food is. Its fuel. It can be for pleasure and enjoyable, but to take the time to truly enjoy it and as i do that my body has natural cues that tell me when it is content.
So week one down. Lets see how many pounds down tomorrow.
My energy level has been up. I'm sleeping better. The melatonin is working for now. I haven't taken an actual sleeping pill all week. I'm really hoping for a 5 lb loss when I weigh in tomorrow morining but we will see. I stepped outside my meal plan tonight and had a pumpkin bagel. Its the only time all week I have eaten off plan. We went to TGIFriday's today for lunch, and I was shocked that there was really only 1 choice I could eat on the lean and green plan. None of their salads were ok! I went with a steak and roasted vegetables. I didn't eat the sweet potatoes just the squash. I got 2 sides with my meal and did both as the vegetables. I ate 1/2 the steak they brought out and all the squash. It wasn't quite 2 servings of green. The waitress has probably never been fat in her life--I say this because she stumbled on herself 2 times. She said that the all you can eat soup and salad was a good choice because you can eat a lot. pregnang pause. or not alot if you want. Then later she asked me "was there something wrong with your steak?" I know she asked it because I had only eaten half of it. The thing is I was full. In a nice content way. I didn't want to push down the rest of it. why? I said no it was great. Its a good thing I don't get offended easily! and also a good thing I wasn't leaving the tip! lol. anyway--Korey even noticed. He made a comment about it after we had left the restraunt. She should have asked how I was enjoying my meal, or how was the steak?
It annoys me but doesn't offend me if that makes sense. There are a lot of overweight people, and I think that it has become more of a norm than it should be. However being overweight has made me realize that skinny people who haven't ever dealt with weight issues can be really insensitive about what they are saying. I know I used to be very judgemental about it. If you're fat its your fault, eat less and work out more.
The formula is correct. Its just when you start adding in all the emotional factors, and lack of education about what fuel for our bodies is about--
Today I made a consious choice to eat a bagel. I knew it was off plan. I decided to mindfully enjoy it as a treat, to let myself have it and not guilt myself about it. and that made it easy to take real pleasure out of eating a pumpkin bagel instead of looking down and thinking what the crap? I ate that? I don't even remember eating it, I should have another one. I ate it slowly and mindfully. I knew if I was going to deviate from my meal plan I had better take the time to really enjoy it.
I learned something in that moment. I knew that if I had berated myself or tried to make me feel guilty about it I would be more likely to go binge--eat the rest of the bagels in the bad and really throw off my eating plan.
In one week I've only had that one item not on my meal plan.
compared to how I was eating before?
night and day.
now its just one week but its the first brick in a new foundation. the more weeks I lay down these healthy habits and healthy choices the stronger that foundation will get to make sure that they are life changes. That I learn what contentment and true enjoyment of eating my food is.
When I shove a whole hamburger friens and large drink into my body I don't take time to just enjoy the food. I inhale it and then I feel gross and overstuffed. I was thinking about how I stayed as thin as I did in college even when I ate out. I relished my food. I enjoyed the savory bites--and I stopped when I felt content. so I would eat half a hamburger and a couple of fries. I drank more water.
When we first got Leo I remember I used to eat half a sandwich and feed him the other half. I took time to think about what I was eating, and how it felt in my mouth, the textures of it, the flavors of it--
I'm getting back to that. I've really been enjoying the lean and green meals especially. I love fresh produce and my greens are always so good. I didn't know I liked fresh green beans, but I do.
Its a journey--a process of learning and re-teaching myself about what food is. Its fuel. It can be for pleasure and enjoyable, but to take the time to truly enjoy it and as i do that my body has natural cues that tell me when it is content.
So week one down. Lets see how many pounds down tomorrow.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Danger Zone
I'm in the danger zone. I know this. I've known it for a while. Sister Cindy has been motivating and encouraging, and I've signed up to do "Take Shape For Life" with her as my health coach. The program utilizes Medifast. I'm ready to make some serious changes. I truly do plan to be at my goal weight of 135 by my birthday in May. 135 at 35! wohoo!!
I'm ready for the life changes I need to get back to a healthy weight. The part I am most excited about is that I will be doing 6 meals. (no not because I get to eat 6 times...) I actually forget to eat. Getting myself in a routine and building a habit of eating 6 small meals throughout the day is going to be really key for me. So is regular checking in with Cindy, and with myself. Support, critical. That is why this blog will be more important to me than ever. Every week on Friday night I will post my new pictures for the week. I'll be checking in with Cindy on Saturday mornings with my weight and measurements.
I have to admit I am nervous about starting a true "diet"
I've never bought food/products from a diet company. So it is venturing into the unknown. All I have done before is tracking and watching what I eat, which has worked before. I was looking at photos of the last time I regularly took photos of myself for weight loss, the year Min-Ji lived here. I was so skinny! I forgot I had gotten that skinny. Well this time I am going to get to that point and then keep going to my goal.
135 @35!!!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Grief Food and apparently stress...
I've identified to big triggers. Last week I realized that grief is a huge trigger for me to eat recklessly. My psychiatrist asked me what does a binge look like to you? Eating a bag of candy. Numbing out the whole time and then realizing I have eaten it all. I looked at this with neutral eyes. It was filling a very useful purposed. I didn't want to feel overwhelming grief when I lost my baby so I numbed out with food. I didn't want to feel nothing, so I would overstuff to the point I just felt sick. but it was something to feel...without feeling the grief.
I have been getting a handle on that. Tonight something happened that triggered my panic. A very stressful situation has been presented that would cause me to have to stretch into a "die" area. I don't quite feel like I would die, or that far of a push but it is WAY out of my comfort zone. and I have great fears as to if it will push back my progress in therapy etc. I don't know the answer to it but I have been churning on it all night. I've taken my ativan...it has lessened it but not taken away the panic. this is a first for me with the ativan not just balancing the panic out. I know that in this case it is because there is a real issue not just my faulty alarm going off. and I started to stress eat.
Now, if I step away from the emotions and actions and look at the picture from a neutral place I see that I was triggered today and reached for a regular comfort that I have built up over the past several years. I also see that I stopped long before the ice cream was empty. Did I eat too much? yes...did I want to eat it no. and I asked Korey to take it away. take it away I felt out of control. In that moment I made a decision and exercised restraint and control. I asked for help. I knew I was in over my head. Not coping well and I asked for help. I am blessed my help is there. He is always there for me.
It is interesting to know that there was a reaction of "well if I spiral and I'm out of control then I can't do this thing" the thing is, I'm not the same as I was a year ago. while grief, fear and panic may call my name and beckon to me through ice cream, cookies or junk I don't always heed it. I now understand it. and I gave in, for a moment which is natural and understandable especially given that I am just now finding just what the payoff of eating and being overweight was for me.
I don't need the weight to protect me. I don't need the food to protect me. I may or may not do this "stretch" but I will determin that based on what is the healthiest best situation for me. I am not going to do it simply because I was asked. If I choose to go this route and pursue this possibility it will be because it is what is right for me right now. I don't know the answer to that right now. If I went with an answer today it would be no. But I sense a possibility. So I will think about it, mull it over and pray about it. and we will see. My gut says I'm not quite ready, but at the same time I haven't tried to stretch in this way for years. What if I am? If I can step out of myself I could blossom...who knows.
I haven't eaten a whole box of donughts in over a year and a half. I haven't eaten a whole box of ice cream in a very long time...I rarely even have ice cream. today I ate about 1/3 of the box. Not good. But not bad considering where I was just a short time ago.
I didn't make it to the gym today, which I thoroughly planned to do. I know that the weather and the effect storms coming in and out has on me has a lot to do with that. I also know that I was already feeling emotionally exhausted today. There are still going to be days like that. If I can embrace those days as is. no judgement, it is neither good or bad, it just is. then it will be easier each new day to pick up the pieces right where I left off and get to it. and I didn't totally crash and burn, I ran errands, and cleaned the house with its home blessing hour despite the fact I was running on less than full cylinders. I returned phone calls and allowed 2 sets of visitors in my home. That is a big deal for me.
Acknowledging what is the trigger for bad behavior takes me one step closer to realizing why I do it and to also finding a new way to look at things and to change my response. when its so automatic its on autopilot I will never make any changes but when I decide to take control and focus on what is happening in my life and why I do the things I do I find all kinds of wonderful answers.
Eating wasn't just about the food, it was independence. and control. controlling what is out of control instead of having that taken from me all the time. it was a way to shelve emotions I didn't know how to process or I had been told were bad or evil. emotions just are. we give them too much power--anger doesn't have to be scary. Fear doesn't have to be crippling. Happiness doesn't have to be over the top. they can all be genuine and you can feel them in different places in your body. I can scream or hit or kick as long as I don't scream or hit or kick other people. but if I kick my bed or the ball really hard. that is healthy. I'm giving honor to the emotion, and I'm releasing it instead of harboring it until its so confusing inside that I don't know which way is up or down.
I have been asked to be part of an education program with a health coach provided through triwest our insurance company. The health coach will check in with me once a month and I will get educational information about depression and anxiety. I'm taking my feelings to school. :) I'm replacing behaviors. Like today, keep spiraling or ask for help. I asked for help. I'm really proud of myself for that.
I'm also writing my feelings out tonight so I don't have to take them upstairs where they will keep me from sleeping. I can leave them here. Get the rest I need. And make it to the gym in the morning.
I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow...I think I could use a healthy dose of Diane!!
I have been getting a handle on that. Tonight something happened that triggered my panic. A very stressful situation has been presented that would cause me to have to stretch into a "die" area. I don't quite feel like I would die, or that far of a push but it is WAY out of my comfort zone. and I have great fears as to if it will push back my progress in therapy etc. I don't know the answer to it but I have been churning on it all night. I've taken my ativan...it has lessened it but not taken away the panic. this is a first for me with the ativan not just balancing the panic out. I know that in this case it is because there is a real issue not just my faulty alarm going off. and I started to stress eat.
Now, if I step away from the emotions and actions and look at the picture from a neutral place I see that I was triggered today and reached for a regular comfort that I have built up over the past several years. I also see that I stopped long before the ice cream was empty. Did I eat too much? yes...did I want to eat it no. and I asked Korey to take it away. take it away I felt out of control. In that moment I made a decision and exercised restraint and control. I asked for help. I knew I was in over my head. Not coping well and I asked for help. I am blessed my help is there. He is always there for me.
It is interesting to know that there was a reaction of "well if I spiral and I'm out of control then I can't do this thing" the thing is, I'm not the same as I was a year ago. while grief, fear and panic may call my name and beckon to me through ice cream, cookies or junk I don't always heed it. I now understand it. and I gave in, for a moment which is natural and understandable especially given that I am just now finding just what the payoff of eating and being overweight was for me.
I don't need the weight to protect me. I don't need the food to protect me. I may or may not do this "stretch" but I will determin that based on what is the healthiest best situation for me. I am not going to do it simply because I was asked. If I choose to go this route and pursue this possibility it will be because it is what is right for me right now. I don't know the answer to that right now. If I went with an answer today it would be no. But I sense a possibility. So I will think about it, mull it over and pray about it. and we will see. My gut says I'm not quite ready, but at the same time I haven't tried to stretch in this way for years. What if I am? If I can step out of myself I could blossom...who knows.
I haven't eaten a whole box of donughts in over a year and a half. I haven't eaten a whole box of ice cream in a very long time...I rarely even have ice cream. today I ate about 1/3 of the box. Not good. But not bad considering where I was just a short time ago.
I didn't make it to the gym today, which I thoroughly planned to do. I know that the weather and the effect storms coming in and out has on me has a lot to do with that. I also know that I was already feeling emotionally exhausted today. There are still going to be days like that. If I can embrace those days as is. no judgement, it is neither good or bad, it just is. then it will be easier each new day to pick up the pieces right where I left off and get to it. and I didn't totally crash and burn, I ran errands, and cleaned the house with its home blessing hour despite the fact I was running on less than full cylinders. I returned phone calls and allowed 2 sets of visitors in my home. That is a big deal for me.
Acknowledging what is the trigger for bad behavior takes me one step closer to realizing why I do it and to also finding a new way to look at things and to change my response. when its so automatic its on autopilot I will never make any changes but when I decide to take control and focus on what is happening in my life and why I do the things I do I find all kinds of wonderful answers.
Eating wasn't just about the food, it was independence. and control. controlling what is out of control instead of having that taken from me all the time. it was a way to shelve emotions I didn't know how to process or I had been told were bad or evil. emotions just are. we give them too much power--anger doesn't have to be scary. Fear doesn't have to be crippling. Happiness doesn't have to be over the top. they can all be genuine and you can feel them in different places in your body. I can scream or hit or kick as long as I don't scream or hit or kick other people. but if I kick my bed or the ball really hard. that is healthy. I'm giving honor to the emotion, and I'm releasing it instead of harboring it until its so confusing inside that I don't know which way is up or down.
I have been asked to be part of an education program with a health coach provided through triwest our insurance company. The health coach will check in with me once a month and I will get educational information about depression and anxiety. I'm taking my feelings to school. :) I'm replacing behaviors. Like today, keep spiraling or ask for help. I asked for help. I'm really proud of myself for that.
I'm also writing my feelings out tonight so I don't have to take them upstairs where they will keep me from sleeping. I can leave them here. Get the rest I need. And make it to the gym in the morning.
I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow...I think I could use a healthy dose of Diane!!
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