Spoiler--some of this content is GROSS

I just finished a parasite cleanse. So gross. We used a zapper--and I know they are controversial but it was worth a shot. Then I did a detox cleanse and coffee enema for 2 days till everything was coming out clear. Um, yeah I know I mentioned it but GROSS.
Here's the thing though--liver flukes, some flat fuzzy dotted looking things, a couple of worms and a bunch of eggs came out. I have pictures I took for the doctor but I will spare you that--
My energy level is just UP. and amazingly there is this awful cold going around and guess who has it. yup--me. And Korey. And Jillybean. Her asthma makes hers worse. But she seems to be getting through hers today. (can I say yay!) we take her in to the allergist tomorrow. They will give us an allergy medication she can take that won't interfere with the allergy testing we need done. And then we take her in again next week. What time did Korey make the appointments for? 7 am. um...ok. I know for him that is sleeping in but we roll out of bed between 7:30 and 8.  So for the miss and I this is going to be a bit rough. AND I have dog grooming appointments for the dogs. And I have to work even though thursday is usually our day off because we were close monday so the boss and his wife could go to a funeral. So far I'm only scheduled for an hour. but it is the first hour of the day. So I have to be at work by 9. Drop the dogs off by 8:30 so I can be at work by 9. So Korey has to come to the appointment as well to take miss over to my sisters.
Tomorrow after Korey is off work we head up to Idaho for Jay's wedding. Which will be fun. We are staying at the Marriot up there it was just built last year--has an awesome pool. I've been excited about that but now wondering with these colds if we are just going to be sleeping in our awesome hotel when we are not doing wedding stuffs.
Lame.
So I'm using the on gaurd, muscle testing for my D3 and zinc to make sure I am doing all I can to give my body the support it needs to get through this as quick as possible. Took a footbath today after work and had my adjustment.
I moved much easier than normal.
Its good.
My foot bath water had no grey in it like it has for a while.
My cells feel open and healthy and happy--(minus this throbbing head and light sore throat) but for having a cold, I have a lot of energy.
I'm really excited for what this can mean for my physical body. And I got a treadmill. It was delivered today. We won't get it set up until we get home this weekend--and still have to decide just where we are going to put it for sure--but I think we are doing the family room. More likely to use it if I can just put on a show and do the workout.  I've been getting in breakfast every morning for a while now. Which is good. Until this week. I did the cleanse and it threw me off. since I wasn't eating. just drinking apple juice and water.
I'm back on food now though, and tomorrow I start using the fat incinerator from Doc. Flowers. It is supposed to get my metabolism going and just help me drop weight. The other gal at work has been doing really good with it. So hopefully--I've felt like this is the next right step for me right now.
So my goal for the rest of the week is to keep eating breakfast and getting in my water. take my manna and to get in the incinerator.  Then once we have the treadmill up, I start on a workout schedule next week.
What about everything else? Well I had to cancel therapy tomorrow due to the work schedule change.
I'm ok. So its not a critical freak out time with it. I am going to read the book Diane gave me before I see her again on the 18. I've been putting it off but I think I need to now.
I will know if its too much once I get started on it.
A sad bonus...Cutlers with their awesome sugar cookies moved. They are no longer just up the street from work. So I won't be dropping in for a cookie a couple times a week.  I'm not sure why they are moving up on Highway 193 I would think they would get less traffic through there--its out of the way. of course not many food places in the area so maybe it will work out for them. Its a sad bonus for me. I will only drive that way on therapy days--and I will have to make a choice. Cutlers--or Starbucks. :)
Cookie or chai.
Once a week or once every other week won't be a big deal.
I ordered some bento boxes and lunch packs that I can pack lunches in. I can't wait until 2:30 to eat. I just can't. I need a snack during my shift and lunch by 1. I can eat as I wrap up my paper work.
I want to get to where I am eating 6 small meals again. i do well on that schedule. I just need to be planning so they can be healthy.
And I want to learn to make cool bento boxes so that when Jilly gets into school she will have healthy meals that make her smile and are fun--not boring sandwiches etc. I want her to be excited to have lunch, and to show it off because that means she eats them. and I don't mind being an awesome mom in that regard and having the kids jealous of her cool lunches--and other moms jealous or thinking, how does she do that? Well she can because she only has 1 kid. (and I will not deny that there will be much truth to that)
Well I downed 32 more ounces of water. I am going to try to get some sleep again. Since I have to be up in 6 hours (seriously what dr offices open at 7?????) I am really hoping I crash this time.

Get skinny? Not my focus...and screw the sugar cookie. Getting happy and Healthy for ME

When my mom was close to dying one day she told me "Don't wait to get cancer to get skinny" I took her to heart. I told her I wouldn't. I knew she meant she wanted me to live my healthiest best life.
I realized today part of what is holding me back from "getting skinny" is actually the words she did use...and all the times as a kid when I was NOT fat or overweight when I was called chubby or pleasantly plump...or that after I was put on steroids for my allergies is when I just got bigger...never mind that I was 6 when I was put on the steroids...I went through puberty at 11 well started and that was when My cheeks filled out.  And I did start getting some curves.  I wasn't a stick anymore. I look at pictures now from those "chubby" days--and seriously want to go back and slap anyone who would call that girl chubby or fat or pleasantly plump.  And then I did start feeling like I needed to hide food and then I did binge eat. And starve myself and hide food.  I started to have such a negative body image--and then Vernal when I was watched and assaulted.  I then started to hide myself. The summer after 8th grade I grew 4 inches I think it was.  I lost 30 pounds. I ran a lot and I didn't really eat.  You would think I started getting healthy. I ran yeah--but I was not eating well. I skipped meals. Mary's friend had a talk with me and I knew I wasn't eating really healthy I decided never to be bulimic and it scared me from working out too much--but I didn't start eating healthy.  Heather pushed me.  She packed lunches for me, I still thought I was so fat. I wore baggy clothes. Early 90s style--and hide myself.  I thought I was fat. At 5'4" and 123.  I gained the freshman 15...I was 147 when I left on my mission. I came back 5'6" and 117 (way too small) I was smaller than a size 6. I had ulcers but on my mission I ate healthy and walked all the time.
I did eat. I had a small treat once a week. Lots of veggies legumes healthy rice...kimchi with its probiotics. I came home and worked out but didn't keep up my eating.
I got to a healthy weight...then I got about 10 pounds over my sweet spot. With my depression I got really frustrated.  And lost it.  I used sugar cookies to help me face a day. To drive out there and get out of the house.  One thing. It helped--I got out I would go do that.  But I also used sugar to make happiness come. It's artificial it was more the getting out that helped me but it is what it is.
Point being I have only had a healthy relationship with food on my mission.  I didn't have time not to eat healthy or to eat unhealthy.  I just worked.
Sometimes we waited too long to eat and I would be shaky.
So maybe not 100% that I took care of myself.  I didn't have time not to.
Well I'm not ok with the voices in my head telling me get skinny or I'm fat or plump or chubby.
Ok.
I don't need a sugar cookie to be happy. Or a chai.
I don't need it.
I want to be healthy, not skinny. Skinny is a side affect. But my mom got skinny unhealthy skinny--cancer is not healthy and neither is dying.
I still understand what she was trying to say.
I don't care mom. I'm not doing this because you made a comment on your death bed. I'm not doing it for you. I don't need you to be proud of me.
I don't want to do it for Korey or Jilly. I want to do this because I want it. For me.
It's me. I'm going to learn how to eat healthy not because I'm too busy not to but because I care about myself and how I feel and how I look and how I feel about myself.
This is for me.

Authentic self...

I don't feel like I can live authentically. I have to be on guard and careful. Make sure part transitions are smooth an people don't notice when its not quite me. Holding all that in is stressful causes me more anxiety and this sense of shame thats not fair. If my diagnosis makes others uncomfortable shouldn't that be their problem and not mine? I was recently confronted about how openI am with my depression and anxiety and that it bothers people. I just felt sad that they couldn't look at it with curiosity. If you don't understand it that's ok...and its not contagious. You won't catch it from me. I live an overall positive upbeat life. Not because I choose to rise above this. Its because its under control the depression and anxiety. My medication works! Thank God! And my innate nature is positive. Im a glass has plenty kind of gal. Im not a victim although I have been victimized in the past. Im not a survivor although obviously I survived. Im not even a thriver. I just am. I can't pretend my mom was any less of a complex being--I lived hiding the monster inside of her. Bought in to saving the family image. I just can't do that because I need to give myself permission to heal. I fragmented to cope. I was ingeniously creative and found my own special way to survive. I don't hate my mom even when I say she was a crazy bitch! I hate what she went through and put me through--you have to feel pretty bad to be as loving and tender hearted as she was and be capable of the cruelty she bestowed on her children. Its complicated. I can't pretend it isn't. I think it would shock so many people to know how she could be. Sweet loving June? Never. But she was at times so scary and cruel. Call me a name any name. I don't care. My own mom called me worse and said and did such awful things that four eyes and goody two shoes...didn't even nick my armor. I learned to split so that what my mom said what my dad said and didnt say just didnt matter so why would anyone elses words even come close to being important?
I want to give myself permission to not hide my DID and screw the people who dont understand or think Im crazy instead of realizing what a gift DID is to me and those around me.
I dont repeat my moms patterns of abuse. Or my dads pattern of neglect. My mental "illness" is what gives me strength to address life as it comes at me.
Its an eventful ride to be sure! But I'm not crazy even if an old lady with a southern accent is the one doing the processing and talking in a situation or a punk add kid defiantly stands up to authority. Its who I am. All of it. I've only scratched upon its surface here but I just want to be me. No matter who I am in that moment its still me. I don't want to let worry hold me back anymore if you can't handle the friendship once you know? Buh-bye. I'm not going to apologize for telling the truth from the beauty of all that my mom was to the terror she reigned our home with. From the 3 yr old girl who is scared to the wisdom of the gentry at my gates. Im all here for very good reasons. I ingeniously found a way to live. Im 35 years old, and I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Yes sometimes there is chatter in my head. No Im not schizophrenic or Sybil. And yes Sybil is the first thing I thought of when I heard the diagnosis. Im tired now and need to sleep but I will be living out loud this year. I will be living Authentically. Whether you like it or not.

Christmas Eve

Here it is 2012...coming to a glorious end. Dismally this morning the weather did not look as though it was going to cooperate. Now the flurry of snow brings hope and that sense of Christmas!
Jilly is at the piano determined to prove that she will practice and get lessons back--(it had become a horrendous fight) I told her if she proves she wants it and practices every day for a month I will put her back in lessons. I said we can try again in a year or so. "I dont think so" she said and promptly sat at the piano. We will see.
I want to optimistically think she will just do it. Just as I want to believe I am going to eat on plan and get healthy--its not that I think she can't do it. Is it her priority? Is my health really mine? Its a question that eats at me. (pun intended) I want to go after life the way my puppy does. Unabashedly aggressively demanding attention, a head scratch a back rub--tells the world what he wants and goes for it.
No matter how many times I tell him no, he tries again. He will give it a minute or two and come back pawing at me strategically placing his head right under my hand and yes those brown eyes staring up at me.
I want to lovingly go after my health. No matter how many times I get turned away whether my hang ups or things i have to psychologically or physiologically work through. Just keep strategically putting myself in places for health to be unable to say "no" places like the gym, and the produce department :). For me its my million dollar smile. Take that health! How can you say no to my cute dimples. Determination...for today the piano keys clink, the puppy is getting a good head scratch and I am hopeful and optimistic...we are getting a white Christmas after all, I like the magic of possibilities in the air.