Getting Real...again...

Old post I found in my drafts...
Well I'm bitting the bullet and posting my pictures front back and side views. not pretty but the reality of where I am. the one thing that stands out most to me is my legs. My calves are tight and toned and it shows up in the picture. I've been losing inches in my legs mostly--a little in my arms--and NOTHING in my stomach. wich actually serves to make me feel FATTER. because my belly sticks out more.
Cindy and I have found scar tissue buildup from my gall bladder surgery so we are working on that right now whch could be part of the deal.
Anyway, my goal is to drop 42 pounds before I fly to Sweden in July. I have plenty of time to do it. I can do it. I want to do it and it gives me a good goal to work for.  I will be under 200 before flying to Sweden.
When I get home I have to get my new military ID issued. (or just before I leave) so it is a good double goal to be in that place with my weight.
I plan to be up there on that roof helping out and making myself useful not just around the house, but on the house. :)
I am also looking forward to a summer of camping and hiking and not having my weight be an issue that slows me down. Not this time. Never again.
I don't have grand ambitions of running a marathon. I do want to do some more 5 K's. I really enjoyed doing that with Cindy. and walking is good for me. :) I don't enjoy running so why not just do what I love?
Korey and I have talked about going back to Hawaii for our 10 year anniversary. Well, that is coming up in 2013. When we go I want to be scuba certified so that I can go scuba diving in Hawaii. I also want to go parasailing behind a boat. I'm excited for those adventures. Korey and I both plan on having motorcycle licenses here in the next couple of years and I want to be strong and healthy to truly benefit from that as well.
I'm looking forward to a year of challenging my fears, facing them, and conquering them. I don't need to live in fear of the next illness. or of not setting dreams or goals because I might have to move and give it all up. its not like wantint the part of Liza Doolittle in a play, being told its mine and then having to go back and say I'm sorry my family is moving I won't be here to do that. and never trying for a part in a school play again...just in case. I didn't want to have to walk away. So instead I shut down.
Too often the message that came across was if you weren't a boy you weren't up to go shooting with Dad. You weren't up for hiking or camping. The years I was at home were not the ones that mom pushed so much and went camping with the kids anyway on her own.
I don't know if you can keep up.
that seemed to be the message. I'd say I can, I know I can. but it didn't matter. Even now, its the "boys" go shooting and the girls stay home with the kids.
So this year when it comes to paint balling--I'm in. When it comes to bowling. I'm in. When it comes to shooting. I'm in. I want to LIVE my life. not just sit by and let it pass me over. I know that my weight represents protection and fear. Protecting myself from change and fear of having to live the life I have always wanted for myself. well I'm ready to live.
So be watching for some big big changes. and please keep supporting and caring for me through the journey.

Day 4 begins...

So this month isn't just about my anniversary. I'm taking the opportunity of this celebration of life and my marriage, my relationship with Korey to renew my relationship with life as well.  To embrace my goals and dreams. So what are they? Well, my fundamental most important one is to live a healthy vibrant life. Saturday, Korey, Jilly and I went to Park City and went shopping. I'm not at my goal weight yet, and thus far I have been unwilling to really look for something nice and buy myself something that wasn't off the clearance rack or at a screaming deal--my excuses (I call them that here because of where my mental state has been) were that I'm losing weight and I don't want to spend that kind of money for something I won't be wearing long. Here is why it was an excuse and not a reason. I didn't feel that at my overweight state I deserved to have something nice. I should be punished for the fact I had allowed myself to get fat. It served me right to look frumpy. Problem is, if I look frumpy, I feel frumpy. If I dress like I walked off a clearance rack I feel like I'm only worthy of a clearance rack. Now some people will argue that you can find amazing deals and great clothes on the clearance rack and why spend more if you don't have to for the same things you would buy anyway. True. But--at the sizes I have been--well not much on the clearance rack that I would really pick for myself had it been at full price or if price weren't an issue. Lets say the clothes were free. You had your choice--anything on that rack, stipulation, since its free you are only to pick what you really truly love. (if you are too much of a yay its free I'd take all of it person think this way you have up to $100 dollars and you have to use to buy 1 item on the rack only 1 item) could you justify that money for something you don't truly love? Would you take home something you don't truly love? I can't tell you how many times I have just bought clothes because it was on sale and it fits. and then just not looked in the mirror. I've gotten better at spending a little more on pants because I spend less in the long run for 2 or 3 pairs that fit great and last than for more that I can't wear a few times during the week--that don't wash well etc. But shirts--T-shirt. Fits. Done. Dressy shirt. Fits. Done. A few times I have shopped for something I liked but only if it was less than $20. The max I felt comfortable with was $12. after that I would feel like I shouldn't get this. I won't wear it long enough to enjoy it. The only times I ever went over that amount was if I was with a friend and they told me how good it looked and I knew they were right--and they were there to tell me of my value--they didn't use those words but I felt important enough to do it.
Now luckily for me it isn't about money. Its not that I don't have the money to spend to build a wardrobe.
Long story to explain where this was going--I went to Banana Republic. I didn't go to Old Navy, or Gap. I wanted work clothes, and I wanted to know that I had spent some money on me because I deserve it. I was only going to get something I loved. And I did. I got myself a dressy T-shirt on clearance because that is where I found it--$18. A red blouse not on clearance but everything in the store was 30% off. $40 at the sale price. and a grey cardigan that is so soft--about $38 on sale. I spent $100. On three pieces. and I left knowing I had made purchases I was happy with, that I will feel good wearing. Even "at this weight"
I want to celebrate that I am down 47 pounds. That I am alive and living right now. RIGHT NOW. I'm not going to start living when I get to my goal weight. I'll never get there that way. I'm not waiting anymore for a special day or the new year to start afresh. I don't need to start over, I just want to live. Embrace my journey. Sunday I went to the park with my cousin Emalee. We hung out and had a good time. It was her anniversary and her husband is deployed. Emotionally I was having a rough day, but she needed me and I was able to set aside all my own stuff and just go be with her. and I HAD FUN.
Yesterday for Labor day Korey and I went back up to Park City and did the zipline. It wasn't the adrenaline rush I was thinking it would be--but it was amazing, it felt like flying over the treetops. And its something I would have said, when I get to my goal weight...about before. Well no more. I am an adventurer by nature, if I embrace my nature then the weight will come off. With my hormone stuff I don't know if it will be quick or slow, but I'm not punishing myself for it anymore. I am vibrant. I am energetic. At my core self this is who I am. I'm not out on a journey to find myself. I've been doing that. Well I know who I am. I'm not focusing on what I don't like about myself anymore, I'm focusing on what I like, embracing those things and living. Today.
This morning. I got up at 5:30 even though I tossed last night most of the night. I took the dogs for a walk--what a great way to start my morning! I didn't do it because I felt like I had to, but because I wanted to. I enjoy walking the dogs. I enjoy walking. and first thing in the morning when the stars are still out--everything is quiet--no people up and about yet so my anxiety isn't kicking in. It just felt really nice.
and now I'm ready for the adventure that today is.

September--9 years of wedded bliss

Well this year has gone by so fast. Its hard to even begin to know where to start--so I won't. Pieces of the year will fall into place as I intend to blog again. If you are opposed to relationship talk, including sex and intimacy, I suggest you not read this month.  No nothing kinky, there won't be details, just some basic information on an experiment we are doing for each other for our 9 year anniversary. We are going to have sex every day this month as a gift to each other, and trust me for us this is a great gift. Not because we don't already frequently have intimacy in our marriage but because it is soooo good.
Despite the fact that its amazing, life gets in the way sometimes. We go to bed at different times, dealing with schedules, the kiddo, work, etc. Sometimes we forget that without each other the rest of this would just be so pointless. This year I have been embracing vibrancy and health. One of the aspects of that is our relationship. We've always had a healthy relationship. We made communicating a critical part of our marriage during the first few years and as a habit that has stuck around I'd say its one of the best ones we have.
When he was deployed communication was all we had, and we took really good care of each other so that we always felt loved, and were never tempted to stray. Its a lot of work. But when its habitual it just feels so natural, it doesn't feel like work anymore.
I don't know if this will just feel like fun exciting adventure every night. I"m curious to see if it is. As far as habits go, more frequent sex in our marriage is one I am totally on board for. I've worked hard this past year to go to bed when he does. Even if I'm not tired. (I never am, I still have to take sleeping pills) BUT if I go up when he does we have time together. Even if he's reading and I'm watching a show on my ipad, we are there with each other. Our feet touch, we stop and talk to each other, have sex more often than when I wasn't going to bed at the same time. And, I take my sleeping pill earlier which means I fall asleep earlier. A nice thing has happened. I actually get tired at night.
its almost 10:30, and this is late for me now! and I love it. I slept in this morning until 8:30. Sleeping in used to mean 11, 12 or even 1pm because I wasn't getting regular solid sleep. I do now. A few months ago building strong sleep habits became one of the important things for me to do in my health journey.
I am focusing on what I DO want in my life, with my health, in my marriage, not on what I don't want. I'm not worrying about the negatives, like the fact that I'm still overweight. Instead I'm focusing on what I want. In April I wanted to do a half marathon. So I did. It took me 4 hours, but I finished. That was 40 pounds ago--this month, I have two 5K's. As a family we are doing the color run, where the proceeds are going to the Huntsman Institute that helped my mom with her cancer.
and then another one with NAMI. National Awareness of Mental Illness. 
For our anniversary we want to do something amazing fun. So we are going zip lining. It closes before the anniversary so we are going on monday. Its the steepest zipline in the world. I'm thinking when I lose my weight I'd like to...anymore. I am thinking I'd like to...and then I do it, and as I am doing this I am losing the weight and all the self doubt and negativity along the way, its just being replaced.
Do I still have insecurities? you bet. Do I focus on them, sometimes yeah, but I am getting better and better at looking at my reality instead of my fears, and living my dreams instead of not dreaming at all.
Most of the health work I have done this year has been mental, and now I'm ready for my body to catch up to where I am, I think having the mental there first is going to be the difference between yo yoing back and keeping the weight off because I live a completely different life.
I wanted to teach cooking lessons. I do.
I am back at work, its part time which is all I want, but something where I get to run things, and go be a professional instead of just mom. And then I LOVE being home and being just mom. because just mom is a pretty amazing thing to be.
I go out for girls night.
we have date night once a week.
we play games and hang out as a family.
My life is about what I want. And this month, I want to really connect with my husband on an even deeper level and celebrate the 9 years we have had together. I'm not waiting for 10 to celebrate. 9 is a good year to celebrate. Don't worry--for 10 we are going to Hawaii :)
Well I'm headed to bed. Its past my bedtime (pretty cool I actually have one of those now)
and for day 1, well...my crazy hair is a pretty good indicator that we are off to a really good start.

New Year on the way to a New Me

Well today I had gained weight...lost 1.5 inches over all since last week, but saw an increase in my hips. I was really frustrated. I don't know what threw it off this past week, I was feeling stronger, more energy--like I was on good track and the first time since starting the Be Slim program with Medifast I was discouraged AFTER all my numbers were in. I had already taken pictures so I decided I should do a slideshow and show myself my prograss. I'm feeling much better after seeing this!! So I'm not giving up. I am not going to let the numbers discourage me--I'm going to be at my goal weight by my birthday.
135 by 35!!!